Filia's Christmas Party
by Sale
Summary: It's Christmas Eve, Filia Ul Copt is throwing a huge Christmas party, and every main character from Slayers, Next, and Try is invited! The catch: NO MAZOKU ALLOWED...
1. Party at Filia's

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Really.

Before you read this, I must warn you...Kopii Rezo and Gaav are going to be EXTREMELY out of character. There will be others who will be OOC too but I don't remember who they are at the moment. Also, Kopii's obsession with Richard Simmons originated in Silver Unicorn's fic entitled "Slayers Later On: Chimera's Eternal Revenge," so if the thought of Kopii being obsessed with Richard Simmons doesn't scare the crap out of you, go read it. I also posted this fic in the middle of August because I had an impulsive urge to post it now instead of waiting till Christmas in case you were wondering. Okay, I'm done talking now. On with the Christmas-y Slayers fic!!!

Chapter 1: Party at Filia's!

Filia Ul Copt hummed as she darted from room to room, unpacking boxes and writing a bunch of...stuff...down in a small notebook. "This Christmas will be perfect!" She mused. "There will be decorations, a lovely dinner party, presents for everyone, and best of all, THAT MAZOKU SCUM WON'T BE HERE TO WRECK IT!!!"

Amelia Wil Tesla Seiruun struggled down the stairs into Filia's living room carrying a large cardboard box filled to the brim with lights, tinsel, and ornaments. "But Miss Filia," she protested, "Why on earth would you not want to invite Mr. Xellos?"

"I never did like fruitcake," Filia replied, "and Xellos is the biggest fruitcake of them all!"

"That isn't a very nice thing to say around Christmas, the season of loving, giving, and most importantly, JUSTICE!!!" Amelia dropped the box on the word "JUSTICE," breaking nearly all of its contents, and launched into her most dramatic-looking JUSTICE pose.

Unfortunately Filia wasn't paying any attention and had magically grown fangs and evilly begun to glare at Amelia. "Yes...Xellos LOVES to wreck everything and GIVE me a hard time, and his interpretation of JUSTICE usually involves something getting blown up!!!" She cackled as lightning began to flicker around her head. "HE'LL RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE AND..." Filia stopped. "Hey, something smells like it's burning...ACK! THE ROAST!!!" She scrambled to the kitchen, forgetting about the decorating job at hand.

Lina Inverse was in Filia's kitchen at that moment fireballing the roast (which was obviously the source of the burnt smell). "LINA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY ROAST???" She shrieked.

"I like it a little well-done," Lina replied, launching another fireball into the oven.

"STOP THAT BEFORE YOU BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!!" Filia cried, trying her hardest to salvage her dinner. "You'd BETTER not burn the Christmas turkey to a crisp next week or I'll...I'll..."

"Speaking of Christmas," Lina interrupted, "Are you having another huge party? That last one really brought down the house!"

"That pun really sucked," Filia told Lina as memories of Xellos blowing up her old house flashed into being before her eyes. "Hopefully this year will turn out better."

"So who are you gonna invite?" Lina inquired.

"Well you of course," Filia said, consulting her notebook.

"Am I invited too?" Gourry asked.

"Where did YOU come from?" Filia asked.

"He's with me," Lina said. "Zelgadis came over too. He should be around..."

"Well, yes Gourry, you're coming too," Filia answered, "and Zel's also invited. Amelia, Prince Phil, Sylphiel, Almayce, Martina, Zangulus, Eris, Gaav, Valgaav, and Phibrizzo..."

"WAAIT!!!" Zelgadis practically screamed as he dashed into the room. He panted and collapsed into a chair, gasping for breath. "Invite...Rezo..."

"What the heck?!" Lina interrogated. "I thought you HATED Rezo!"

"Who's Rezo?" Asked Gourry.

"Remember, Gourry?" Lina said, holding up a badly-drawn picture of the Red Priest. "He tried to kill us?"

"Oh yeah!" Gourry exclaimed. "He's the one with the red hair and the big sword, right?"

"No, that was Gaav." Zelgadis said flatly.

"Ohhhh! He must've been the short little kid who liked to smash things then!" Gourry guessed again.

"Nope, that was Phibrizzo." Lina sighed.

"Oh, so he was the one who..." Gourry started.

"Ah, forget it!" Lina cried. "So Zel, why DO you want Rezo to come so badly anyway?"

"Well isn't it a bit obvious?" Zelgadis replied, getting up to make himself some coffee. "Last month Rezo and I came to a...well, how should I put it...a sort of mutual agreement, if you will. If I find a way to cure Rezo's eyes, then he promised that he'd turn me back into a human."

"Ohhh..." Lina figured, "That makes sense."

"What were we talking about again?" Gourry interrupted, bumping into Zelgadis, who spilled all of his hot coffee onto the swordsman.

"Look what you've done!" Filia cried, "You've gone and made a mess of my kitchen!" She ran off to get a mop.

Fifteen seconds later, Gourry cried, "AAAAUURRRRRGHHH!!! OWWW HOOOTTTT!!!!! IT BURNS!! OH THE PAIN!!!"

Lina slapped herself in the forehead and sighed. "Well Zelgadis, if you insist, I'm sure Filia would be happy to invite Rezo...just don't be TOO disappointed if he goes back on his word, all right?"

"Don't worry about me," Zelgadis reassured her, leaving the kitchen.

"All right then, including Rezo and myself, that adds up to fifteen guests." Filia calculated. "I think I should be able to accommodate that many people...Lina, could you bring some extra cookies just to be safe?"

"Sure, sure..." Lina agreed.

"AND DON'T STEAL THEM!" Filia ordered.

"Geez, you're no fun!" Lina protested. "I'm gonna go hunt some bandits. See ya later!" She stood up to leave, but as she did Amelia burst into the room.

"Miss Lina, if you truly must hunt bandits, then I have no choice but to accompany you in the name of JUSTICE!!!" Amelia cried, dramatically posing.

Lina's face fell. "All right, you can come if you insist, but you are NOT learning the Dragon Slave!" She yelled, as she and Amelia left the house. Filia remembered that she still needed to make a few purchases for that evening's dinner and took off as well, and Zelgadis, well, we still don't know where HE ran off to.

"Hey, where'd everybody go?" Gourry asked, noticing for the first time that he was the only on left in the kitchen.

Well there you have it...Chapter One is completed. Weeeee. If I get enough reviews, I'll post another chapter, so be sure to R&R, no flames please. I'm new at this and I don't want to get discouraged (or so I say...) Uh...cheese?


	2. RSVP or be Dragon Slaved

Okay then, Chapter 2 is now up!!! I'm still not sure as to why I'm writing this in August, but Bluegoo gets a cookie for reviewing, and a new car for writing my first-ever REVIEW - (it may be intangible, but hey, it's free.) Thanks for the support...you're not my mom in disguise, are you? On with the story!

-Sale

Chapter 2: RSVP or be Dragon Slaved!!!

Phibrizzo laughed evilly at the demon seated across from him at the table. He surveyed his territory, deviously plotting the demon's demise. Finally, after muttering a series of numbers and letters under his breath, the demon collapsed onto the floor and screamed in agony.

"NOOOOO!!! YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!" He cried as Phibrizzo mercilessly laughed.

"That makes 19 wins, no losses." The Mazoku calculated. "Wanna play again?"

"No, please, anything but that! I hate this game!" The demon argued. However, before Phibrizzo had the chance to smash his life sphere in disgust, the doorbell rang.

"Aww man..." Phibrizzo groaned as he shoved the demon's life sphere back in his pocket and answered the door.

"Delivery for Mr. Phibrizzo!" The guy at the door said, handing him Filia's invitation. Phibrizzo tore open the envelope.

"Hmm...who the heck is Filia Ul Copt?" The Mazoku lord wondered to himself. "Oh well. If there's going to be a party, perhaps I should go and cause some mayhem..."

Meanwhile, out on the outskirts of Sairaag, Sylphiel had just finished putting the last of the decorations on the Flagoon Tree. "There, that ought to do it! Gourry dear will be so pleased when he sees this!" She said, plugging in the tangled mass of extension cords. The people of Sairaag were all temporarily blinded by the dazzling display of holiday spirit until an electrical surge caused the whole thing to short-circuit. Light bulbs burst and there were a few minor explosions, which resulted in Sylphiel getting burned up and the city reduced to ruin.

"Oh dear!" Sylphiel said, surveying the damage. "I believe Sairaag has been destroyed again! Now where am I supposed to spend the holidays?"

Luckily, just then the scorched invitation to the party fell into Sylphiel's hands. "Hmm...a party sounds fun!" She exclaimed, "And my dear Gourry might be there as well! I'd better take some soup..."

At that very moment, Martina and Zangulus had also received their invitation. "Isn't this wonderful, Zangy-Wangy???" Martina squealed, "There's bound to be food, and presents..."

"...And mistletoe..." Zangulus cut in, grinning and blushing.

"Oh Zangulus, we MUST go to this party!" Martina cried.

"And that swordsman Gourry Gabriev will probably be there too!" Zangulus added. "Now's my chance to finally show him who is the best swordsman in the land!!!"

"Whatever shall I wear?" Martina wondered, holding up a bunch of various skimpy outfits. Unfortunately for her, Zangulus was too busy sharpening his sword to listen.

Valgaav opened his invitation. "Christmas party? Why should I even bother?" He said to himself, clacking his little clacky-ball thingy. "Hmmm...it says here to 'RSVP or be Dragon Slaved...' Lina Inverse must have something to do with this! If Lina Inverse is there I can finally get my revenge on her for killing Lord Gaav!"

...Little did he know, Gaav was coming too.

Down at one of Rezo's many labs, the Red Priest and his faithful leech...I mean assistant...Eris were decorating for Christmas.

"Have you received word from Zelgadis yet regarding our...settlement?" Rezo inquired, noticeably pausing in the middle of the sentence and pouring himself a glass of eggnog. Eris struggled to untangle all the Christmas lights in the middle of the foyer.

"TOO...MANY...LIGHTS!!!" Eris choked from under the massive pile of countless strings of lights. "Sheesh Rezo why do you have so many lights if you're blind anyway???" She complained as a bulb popped out of its socket and rolled across the room.

Rezo scowled at Eris, who retrieved the bulb. "Eris, you know very well that this year Zelgadis will find that cure he promised me." He took another sip of eggnog.

"Yeah, sure he will. You said that last year too, you know." Eris said, plugging the massive entanglement. "Half of these don't even work, you've got four strands of blinkers, and three of them are dead." Eris commented. "That red bulb over there looks like it could go out any second..."

"Like I care," Rezo sighed. "This time...Zelgadis WILL succeed in his mission. I promised him humanity in exchange. It is an offer he would never...pass up." He explained.

Eris nodded and pretended to understand. "Yeah sure whatever." She said, as the red bulb she noticed earlier blew out, along with all the other lights on that particular strand."Could you at least HELP me with this?" She demanded, holding up the burned-out strand of lights and trying to find a replacement bulb.

"But Eris, I've forgotten how to turn Zelgadis back into a human!" Rezo exclaimed. "I'm pretty sure I left it down in the library...I think I stuck it into one of my books..."

"Excuses, excuses." Eris muttered. "Shut up and start helping me!"

Just then, Kopii ran into the room holding a crumpled envelope. "HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL!!!"

"You didn't win that 'Meet Richard Simmons' contest you entered three years ago, did you?" Eris asked.

"NO IT'S BETTER THAN...wait, nothing's better than that..." Kopii said.

"Gee Eris, when you cloned me, the least you could've done was make him as soft-spoken as I am..." Rezo muttered, his ears still ringing from when Kopii first entered the foyer.

Eris quickly changed the subject. "What is it then?"

"You have to guess!" Kopii taunted.

"Is it a tutorial video on how to cure blindness in 755 ¾ easy steps?" Rezo asked hopefully.

"Now why would you want something like THAT?" Kopii asked.

Rezo sweatdropped and Eris cried, "Just tell us already!"

"IT'S A PARTY INVITATION FROM SOME LADY WE DON'T KNOW!!!" Kopii exclaimed, holding out the crumpled invitation as Rezo and Eris covered their ears.

"Hmmm..." Eris said to herself as she grabbed the invitation and read it. "It's from a 'Ms. Filia Ul Copt...' Anyone you know, Rezo?"

"No." The Red Priest answered.

"That's weird."

"How come my name's not on the invitation?" Kopii asked.

"Probably because the ORIGINAL Rezo's invited, this Filia lady figured she didn't need you around." Eris reasoned. "Besides, the original's cuter anyway."

Rezo hit Eris on the head with his staff and Kopii started whining and complaining. "How come everyone likes HIM better? I've been working out and I have huge muscles cause I watch Richard Simmons and HE doesn't, and I'm cooler and more fun to be around and I can open my eyes too!" Kopii started running down a list of reasons why he thought he was better than Rezo, but Eris interrupted him in mid-sentence.

"Kopii, forget it! It's invitation only!" Eris yelled, "Go find Vrumugun and Zolf and Rodimus and all your little secondary character friends and throw your own party!"

"Who cares if I'm not the original???" Kopii shouted to no one in particular, "I'm going to that party anyway!!!"

As for Almayce...well, he never did get his invitation. A certain purple-haired Mazoku laughed evilly as he read Almayce's invitation. "Ah yes...Miss Filia's having another Christmas party..." he said in his annoying nasal dub voice. "Invitation only? Shame, shame..."

Almayce struggled to escape from the ropes binding him to his chair. "You will never get away with this!"

"Oh really?" Xellos Metallium replied with a sneer, magically changing the words on the invitation so that it appeared he HAD been invited. "Miss Ul Copt will never notice the difference..."

And...there you have it, Chapter 2. You all knew Xellos would find a way to crash the party, right? Anyway, this time I'm going for two more reviews before updating. Hey, I can dream, can't I? Arigatou!


	3. Christmas Eve and All is Well

YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!! Four new reviews!!!! . Now for the cookie distribution for all my loyal fans...

Knight of L-sama- Not even _I _know when this story takes place (or why Filia lives in a contemporary suburban development, complete with neighbors and a nearby supermarket for that matter). It's kind of like why I'm posting my Christmas story in August. Glad you like the chaos though. (Distributes cookie)

Shy Neko- Heh...I was wondering if anyone would pick that up...since Filia's unfamiliar with the Slayers and Next characters, she probably doesn't realize Phibrizzo and Gaav are Mazoku, but I shall leave THAT hanging till a later chapter (gives out cookie)

SithKnight-Galen- Well, here you go...another chapter...and a cookie.

Taitofan- Thanks for the return cookie! I was getting hungry writing this too...since you were so generous you get a cookie AND a shiny new car! Unfortunately the car is only a Hot Wheels from McDonalds, but...oh never mind. And a party just isn't a party without Phibrizzo...

Later!!! -Sale

Chapter 3: Christmas Eve and All is well

Filia anxiously paced around the living room. Everything was all set up for the party, and the food was already in the oven. The catch: it was only 10:47 AM.

"I've gotta think of some way to pass the time before these guests get here or I'll go insane!" She said to herself as she tacked another wreath up on one of the closets.

Luckily at that very moment Gourry burst in through the front door. "Filia, I'm not late, am I?" He nearly shouted in her ear.

"...Actually, you're six hours early." Filia told him

"What a relief!" The swordsman said. "Where should I put all the presents?" He gestured outside to where he had left the cardboard box with everyone's gifts in it. "I forgot who was going to show up, so I decided to just mass-order soap on a rope!" He emptied the box and about five hundred bars of soap fell out. "I think I forgot something though..."

"Where's the rope?" Filia asked, examining a bar of soap.

"Oh! THAT'S IT!!!" Gourry grinned. "So now it's just soap on a...um...soap?"

"Just leave the presents under the tree." Filia instructed, walking absentmindedly into the kitchen to check on the turkey she had just put in the oven ten minutes earlier.

About three hours passed before Zelgadis and Lina popped up. "Hi guys, where's Amelia?" Filia inquired, reheating the gingerbread cookies so it at least SEEMED like she had recently baked them.

"She's coming later with her dad." Lina said through a mouthful of Filia's pumpkin pie. "Hmm...this pie really needs something...ah! I know!" The sorceress reached into her pocket and pulled out a mysterious vial, and then poured the contents all over the pie. "There! That should do the trick!" She exclaimed, grabbing another piece and shoving it into her mouth. "Yup, this will do..."

"WHAT DID YOU PUT ON MY PIE???" Filia screamed hysterically.

"You'll just have to wait and see tonight!" Lina said, grinning.

Zelgadis, meanwhile, had made off with his and Lina's presents. He was just about to leave them under the tree, when all of a sudden, a big...er...thingy...popped out of the huge pile of soap near where he was going to put the gifts!

"HI ZELDIGAS!!!" Gourry screamed. The chimera fell over and dropped all of his presents, having nearly had a heart attack from the shock.

"GOURRY WHAT THE #$% ARE YOU DOING UNDER ALL THAT SOAP?!" Zelgadis shouted, blowing back all of Gourry's hair. "AND REALLY I THOUGHT YOU'D FINISHED BUTCHERING MY NAME IN THE FIRST SEASON WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, HUH???"

"...I dunno." Gourry replied innocently.

Zel glared at Gourry. "I'm gonna go sit outside and wait for Rezo to get here." He said as he made his way back outside.

"But Zegaldis isn't it snowing outside?" Gourry asked, pointing out the window. About an inch or so of snow had accumulated on Filia's front lawn. Zelgadis ignored him, made a quick cup of coffee, and headed out to sit in the snow like an idiot.

As soon as the front door slammed shut behind him, it blew open again and the midget Mazoku lord Phibrizzo burst inside. "MERE MORTALS!!!" He cried, "THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST CHRISTMAS IN WHICH YOU EXIST IN PEACE AND HARMONY FOR I, PHIBRIZZO, AM HERE TO TURN THIS PARTY INTO A MASSIVE, CHAOTIC..."

"Oh Phibrizzo good of you to come..." Filia gushed, escorting the bratty little boy towards the living room in the middle of his speech.

"You must be that Filia lady," Phibrizzo assumed.

"Yes I am, now put your presents under the tree like a good little boy or Santa will give you a big lump of coal!" Filia reprimanded him. "Go on, off you go..." She patted Phibrizzo on the head as he headed off to deposit his presents with the others.

Back in the kitchen, Lina had just finished eating everything Filia had bothered to make, including the light bulb and the baking soda in the fridge. She was eyeballing Filia's turkey, and did not care if it was half-baked or not. She reached into the oven, burned her hands on the turkey pan, ran around in circles, used magic to get the turkey out, and finished it off in one gulp, bones included. Just as she was wiping the turkey grease off her mouth, Filia walked into the room to catch up on things.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" She cried, "YOU ATE EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM BUT THAT PIE YOU RUINED! GO TO THE SUPERMARKET AND BUY ME SOME GROCERIES SO I CAN MAKE A NEW DINNER, AND PLEEEASE, TAKE SOAP BOY OVER THERE WITH YOU!!!" She yelled, pointing at Gourry, who was playing with his sorry excuse for soap on a rope.

"Come on Gourry," Lina said, dragging him out of the house by his Sword of Light and hoping it would just happen to pop off his belt into her hand in the process. They passed by Zelgadis, who was stubbornly standing on a fence post. A thin layer of snow had already piled up on him.

"Having fun, Zelgadis?" Lina asked. Zel scowled as they headed off for the store.

And so Chapter Three gets posted...since I got so many reviews last time, I'll bump up the "required number of reviews till the next chapter" to three. Thanks again to all you loyal readers out there, and Merry Christmas! -


	4. Lina and Gourry's Last Minute Shopping R...

Well, if you all insist...heeeeeeeeeeere's chapter 4! I'm only giving cookies to people for their first reviews though (but Taitofan can have a mango from the supermarket I swiped off Gourry as thanks for the kumquat...and if you think FILIA treated Phibrizzo like a kid, wait till Phil gets to the party!). Shy Neko, Lina hadn't eaten in three hours, so she ate the light bulb and baking soda. SithKnight-Galen...well...Phibrizzo's from Next, and Filia's from Try, so she doesn't know he's a Mazoku...yet. Same with Gaav. And Bluegoo...have fun with the car, and you probably aren't my mom. She would have misspelled the word "sniggers."

-Sale

Chapter 4: Lina and Gourry's Last-Minute Shopping Run

Lina raced down the aisles of the supermarket as Gourry mindlessly (as usual) tossed random and often ridiculous items (i.e. cheese grater, egg salad, pineapples, hot peppers, taco sauce, mayonnaise, cheesecake, etc.) into the cart he was pushing. "Do people usually eat mangoes on Christmas?" Lina asked Gourry skeptically as he tossed an armful of mangoes into the cart.

"I dunno." Gourry replied, grabbing an entire display of Mr. Clean and putting it in the cart.

"You know, you ARE paying for all this!" Lina exclaimed. "You DID remember to bring money, right?"

"I dunno." Gourry said.

Lina slapped her forehead. "Gourry, you idiot!" She searched his pockets but was unable to locate his wallet, or any money for that matter. "I guess I'll just have to take matters into my own hands..." she sighed and abandoned the cart, leaving the rest of the shopping up to her incompetent protector.

"Hmmm..." Lina pondered after getting away from Gourry. "Now I've got to find someone who's bound to have a lot of money on them...aha! Perfect!" She exclaimed, having spotted someone who fit the description she sought waiting to check out. "Not too bright, but extremely rich...just perfect!!!" Lina's eyes lit up as she focused her gaze on the biggest idiot ever featured on Slayers...other than Gourry, of course.

Martina was making out with Zangulus in the checkout line, and she was so preoccupied that she didn't notice Lina reach into her black and gold purse and steal her bulging wallet (with that stupid Zomulgustar idol keychain attached to it). She casually stuffed it into her pocket and tried to get away as quickly and quietly as possible. Unfortunately, Martina spotted her before she could make a getaway.

"Oh Lina!" She called. "Fancy meeting you here!"

"M-Martina!!!" Lina stammered, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just buying some groceries."

"I never would have guessed."

"I brought Zangy-Wangy with me too..."

"That's what I thought..." Lina sighed. "Are you here buying snacks for the party?"

"Of course!" Martina exclaimed, "I HAD to make sure there'd be Zangy-Wangy's favorite brand of cheesy poofs at Filia's, you know."

"Riiiight..." Lina said, trying her hardest to sneak off before they had to pay the cashier.

"Zangy-Wangy gets so mad when he doesn't get his cheesy poofs!" Martina ranted to no one in particular. "You'd think he was..." She looked around. Lina was nowhere in sight. "Now where did she run off to?" Martina complained.

"Uh..." Zangulus muttered.

"Zangy-Wangy, be a dear and pay for the cheesy poofs, will you?" Martina requested. "I'm going to go find Lina...we can give her a ride over to Filia's!"

"Sure..." Zangulus muttered. "But could you give me some money first?"

Martina dug deep into her purse, searching frantically for her wallet. "Uh...Zangulus...you don't happen to have any spare change on you, do you?"

"No, otherwise I wouldn't be asking you for money." Zangulus replied.

"Then we've got a problem." Martina deducted. "My wallet's GONE!" She gasp THOUGHT to herself for a moment (wow, that's a first), and then slapped herself in the forehead. "Why didn't I see it before?" She cried. "It's so obvious! It was that crazy Amelia girl who stole my wallet! I always knew she was bad news, what with all those rants of JUSTICE..."

Zangulus's eyes watered up. "No cheesy poofs?" He whimpered.

"I'll go find Lina...maybe she'll help pay for the cheesy poofs." Martina said, trying hopelessly to console her husband. "Don't cry Zangy-Wangy, everything's gonna be fine..."

Lina returned to where Gourry was shoving some food items...er...groceries...into the cart. "Gourry, I got the money...and Martina's credit card!" She exclaimed, holding up Martina's wallet in triumph. "Now put all this crap back...hey, wait a second...this isn't MY money...put the cleaner and the cheese grater back where you found them and let's try and remember what Filia was trying to cook!"

Gourry stared blankly at Lina. "Um...soap?" He guessed.

"Well, there was definitely a turkey." Lina deducted. "I remember it being a little undercooked. Filia's roast she made a few weeks ago was pretty good too...but also a bit undercooked...what do you think she puts in her recipes anyway?"

Gourry shrugged and stuffed a box of diapers into the cart.

"There were cookies too. I remember Filia made Amelia and me go steal...er...buy them." Lina remembered, grabbing a few boxes of cookies at random. "And I really like mashed potatoes...hey! What's THIS???" Lina dashed over to the meat section. "Prepare your own Dragon Cuisine in two hours or less...50% off all dragon meat...what a bargain!" Lina jammed a few packages of dragon meat into the cart, along with an "Instant Dragon Cuisine" cookbook. "That's everything...I hope. At least that's everything I can wedge into this cart." Lina declared. "At least we managed to get the shopping done...to the checkout counter!!!"

This time I'm going to wait a while till I post Chapter Five. I've got a lot of summer work I've been putting off waaaay too long. If I get a lot of reviews I'll post sooner. Byes!


	5. Zelgadis vs the Spiky Black Mustang

Note from the Author:

HI LIZ!!!!! Congratulations on being the first person I know personally to review! I'm sure you feel special...have a cookie!

Mistress DragonFlame- Xellos's mayhem...I'm not sure. I tried to ask him, but all he said was, "Thaaaaaat's a secret!" (Gives out the cookie)

Knight of L-Sama- There's plenty more nonsense where that came from!

Taitofan- Knowing Filia, she'd probably throw a fit, but I'd rather not jump the gun too early. Glad you liked the mango and cheesy poofs!

This next chapter is dedicated to the little boy who lives next door and thinks cars are awesome. I don't know too much about cars myself, but I _do_ know that Mustangs are a lot nicer than Pintos...

Chapter 5: Zelgadis vs. the Spiky Black Mustang

Filia glanced at the clock again. Ten minutes had passed since she'd sent Lina and Gourry shopping. "I hope they haven't done anything illegal," she said to herself.

"Now why would anyone hope for THAT?" Phibrizzo argued. Filia ignored him and fidgeted as she waited impatiently for the doorbell to ring and some other guests to arrive, despite the fact that it was still early. Phibrizzo walked off in search of someplace to cause mayhem, leaving the dragon alone in the kitchen.

Zelgadis wiped off the three inches of snow that had collected on top of his head and resumed his gaze down the road, waiting for Eris's unmistakable spiky black Mustang to come flying around the bend.

Phibrizzo spotted him balanced precariously on the fence post and grinned evilly. "Perfect!" He exclaimed. He whispered a complex spell under his breath, and A CAR THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE ERIS'S PULLED AROUND THE CORNER AT AN ILLEGALLY HIGH SPEED! Zelgadis impulsively jumped off the fence post and ran out into the middle of the street in order to become human as soon as possible.

"REZO GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW AND CHANGE ME BACK!!!" The chimera yelled, waving his arms around frantically. But the car didn't stop moving, and it plowed right over Zelgadis, leaving a tire mark on his back.

Phibrizzo cackled maniacally from the front lawn as the car vanished into thin air. "That was great," he shouted, "pure genius!"

Zelgadis was not amused. "RA TILT!!!" He shouted, casting the spell at Phibrizzo.

"Haha you missed!" Phibrizzo taunted, vanishing into thin air just like the car he'd conjured. Zelgadis muttered a string of curses under his breath as he resumed his lookout position atop the fence post.

Filia poked her head out the window and called out, "Zelgadis, what was that loud crash I just heard a minute ago? Is everything all right?"

"I'm fine, Filia." Zelgadis replied.

"What's that tire mark on your back from?" She asked. "Do you want to change your shirt?"

"It's nothing." Zel reassured her. Filia went to retreat back into the kitchen, but just then, ANOTHER spiky black Mustang made its way around the bend down toward Filia's at an illegally high speed! Zelgadis ran out into the middle of the road to flag it down, screaming for Rezo to get out and change him back into a human...and it ran over him (again.) Zelgadis stood and wiped the snow off his face as the car skidded to a stop. Sylphiel hopped out of the vehicle carrying a large pot and a sack of presents just as the car collided with a nearby building and exploded. She ran over to Zelgadis, sobbing.

"I'm so sorry!" She cried, "I didn't see you; you blended in with the snow so well and I...I...WAAAHHH!!!!!" She sobbed in hysterics. Filia ran outside upon hearing the noise. "Don't worry, I'll heal you, just give me a second," the shrine maiden said to the chimera, setting the pot and the presents aside. Filia walked over to the scene and grabbed the pot, lifting the lid and examining its contents.

"So THIS is your famous soup..." Filia muttered. "I was just out of food too..."

"Sylphiel, why were you driving Eris's car?" Zelgadis asked.

"Well, you see, there was this accident back in Sairaag with the Flagoon Tree, and..." Sylphiel began.

"Never mind." Zelgadis cut in, "I'm not sure I want to know. How are Rezo and Eris getting here?"

"Well, knowing Rezo, he'll probably just teleport over here, but Eris's magic stinks. All she can do is clone people." Filia figured. "Maybe she'll take the Pinto?"

"Eris has a PINTO???" Zelgadis snickered.

"I see you've been studying up on the characters from Slayers and Next...most impressive." Sylphiel remarked. "Let's go inside, shall we?"

Filia and Sylphiel took the pot into the house. "Aren't you coming, Zelgadis?" Filia asked.

Zelgadis said nothing, but reassumed his watch. Filia sighed and walked into her house, trying to find a decent place to hide the soup from Gourry.

By this time, you should know the drill...more reviews means more chapters. This time I'm shooting for seventeen total reviews before I post another chapter! Tell all your friends!


	6. You Brought Back WHAAAAAT?

Hi people!!! Sorry I haven't updated in so long...all right then...

Dei--Glad you like the story. Here's more of it. (Gives out cookie)

Taitofan--No chimeras were harmed in the making of this fic. Well, except Zelgadis.

Silver--Gee, took you long enough to post something (j/k). Have a cookie. I'm writing more of this as I speak because I have no life.

Trivisty--Yeah, I know who you are. Your bio says it all, doesn't it? (Gives away another cookie) Now go watch Slayers! It's good!

SithKnight-Galen--Pintos and Mustangs are Fords? I didn't know that...but if Ford's happy, so am I, I think. As for the questions, Lina should arrive with the food shortly (in a matter of sentences, to be precise). The credit card though, that's another story. Xellos won't be here for a while, and according to Filia's invitations the party begins "December 24 at 6:00 PM sharp"...so I assume that is when the party will "go on the road." This particular chapter begins at about 5:30.

Chapter 6: "You Brought Back WHAAAAT???"

"We're back!" Lina announced as she and Gourry burst into the kitchen carrying the groceries. Martina and Zangulus followed them inside. Somehow or another, neither of them noticed that Lina had paid for all that stuff with Martina's credit card, and happily agreed to give Lina and Gourry a ride to Filia's (they were headed there themselves, actually.) Zangulus was holding an oversized bag of cheesy poofs for dear life.

"Where's that stupid Amelia girl?" Martina demanded. Filia grabbed the turkey out of Lina's grocery bag and started to hastily prepare it.

"She's coming later with Prince Philionel. Why do you ask?" Filia asked, throwing random spices onto the turkey and handing it to Lina, while at the same time threatening her with her mace so she wouldn't eat it.

"FIREBALL!!!" Lina shouted, cooking the bird to perfection almost instantly. Filia handed the turkey off to Sylphiel, who stuck it in the oven to keep it warm. Then she started digging around for the roast...but unfortunately (as most things in Slayers go) she found the dragon meat first, and froze, turning a bit pale.

Filia managed to regain her composure just long enough to grab her mace, and then lashed out at Lina. "WHAT THE #$%# IS THIS???" She cried, shoving the package and her mace up into the redhead's face. "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN I'M A DRAGON ALREADY??? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY???"

"Uh...Gourry must've thrown that in by mistake...you know how he can be." Lina stammered.

"But Lina, you TOLD me to get a bunch of those cause they were on sale!" Gourry blurted out.

"GOURRY SHUT UP BEFORE I..." but it was too late, and Filia hit Lina with her mace before she could finish her threat.

"If I didn't need you to help me cook dinner I'd stop speaking to you here and now and shove this mace up your..." Filia began.

"The roast, please." Lina said, flatly, interrupting Filia's rant. Filia dug out the roast and shoved it up in Lina's face waiting for her to fireball it.

"What's wrong with you?" Martina wailed, bursting into the kitchen from the living room and turning to Filia and Lina.

"Uh..." Lina and Filia said in unison, preparing for a huge "fighting is wrong especially on Christmas Eve" lecture.

"There is NO mistletoe ANYWHERE in this house!" She cried. "Good thing I brought my own along..." Martina pulled an economy-sized bag of mistletoe out of Zangulus's cloak and started tacking it up over every doorway in the house as Lina and Filia went back to beating the crap out of each other.

Meanwhile, Gourry had resumed playing with his soap on a rope without the rope. "Hey Sylphiel!" He called to the shrine maiden, who happened to walk into the room. "Did you bring any of that soup???"

Sylphiel ran over to Gourry, ecstatic that he remembered her name. "Of course I did, Gourry dear!" She exclaimed, hugging the swordsman. "I hope you brought me a present!"

"I brought you the best present ever!" Gourry grinned. "But you have to wait till tomorrow to see what it is!"

"But Gourry dear..." Sylphiel whined, "Christmas isn't for a while..."

"I know..."Gourry replied. "I'm hungry."

Sylphiel was about to reply, but just then the doorbell rang. It was Gaav, and he was dragging Phibrizzo along on a leash.

"This little pest was busy smashing your garden gnomes." Gaav said when Sylphiel opened the door. "I hope I'm not too early."

"I am NOT a little pest; I am the greatest Mazoku lord of them all!" Phibrizzo screamed, struggling to break free from the leash and cause more mayhem. Gaav dragged him along and tied him up to the doorknob, then dropped the presents he bought for all the characters he knew about under the tree (and onto Gourry's head.)

"Uh...I'm not Filia...I'm Sylphiel..." Sylphiel said.

"My mistake." Gaav replied.

"Filia's in the kitchen making dinner." Sylphiel told the Demon-Dragon King. Gaav nodded and set off.

Back in the kitchen, Filia was on the verge of killing Lina, when all of a sudden the phone rang. The golden dragon stopped beating the crap out of the red-haired sorceress just long enough to pick up the receiver. "Hello?" She answered, bashing Lina's face in with a frying pan.

"Is this...um...Filia Ul Copt speaking?" The woman on the other line asked hesitantly.

"Yes it is," Filia said, "Would you mind holding on a second...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FORE A CANNIBAL OR SOMETHING WHY YOU...all right...whom may I ask is speaking?"

"I'm Eris. You invited me to your Christmas party." Eris said.

"Oh! Eris!" Filia exclaimed. "Nice to finally meet you..."

But as soon as Filia said Eris's name, Zelgadis crashed in through the kitchen window and snatched the receiver out of Filia's hands. "ERIS PUT REZO ON THE PHONE NOW!" He yelled into the phone.

"Geez you don't have to yell!" Eris said on the other line, her hair all windblown from the deafening noise.

"I want to talk to Rezo." Zelgadis repeated more quietly.

Eris turned red. "Uh...Rezo?" She stuttered. "I...er...uh...do you think he's hot too?"

Zelgadis slapped his forehead. "No it's me, Zelgadis!"

"Did you say you were into yaoi cause if you are don't even think about setting a foot into this building or I'll..." Eris said, still recovering from the first time Zel screamed in her ear.

"NO IT'S ME IT'S ZELGADIS REZO'S GRANDSON/GREAT-GRANDSON JUST PUT HIM ON THE PHONE ALREADY!" Zelgadis yelled, even louder than the last time.

"All right already I hear you..." Eris said. "HEY REZO THERE'S SOME GAY GUY ON THE PHONE WHO LIKES TO YELL A LOT AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!!!"

Rezo stumbled up the stairs, almost tripping over his robes and fumbling around for the phone. "Gimme that..." He said, grabbing the phone from Eris, who pulled it back just long enough to add,

"I have to warn you though, he does look a little drunk right now, maybe it was the wine or the eggnog or the cherry coke or..."

"Enough Eris," Rezo snapped, grabbing the phone back. "I've got too much of a headache to deal with you and for your information I was drunk LAST night; now I've only got a hangover..."

"Glad to hear you're well." Zelgadis muttered sarcastically on the other line. "Do you have it yet?" He added with anticipation.

Rezo sighed, dismissed a giggly, blushing Eris, and took some aspirin. "Don't remind me..." he said groggily. "I still can't...find the stupid book I stuck it in."

"Well how long is this going to take?" Zelgadis asked. "I can't sit around all day waiting!"

"What about MY cure?" Rezo impatiently demanded. "You DID remember it, didn't you?"

"What do you think I am, an idiot?" Zel snapped. "Of course I've got it!"

For the first time all day, Rezo smiled. "Good." He said excitedly.

"But you're NOT getting it unless you change me back into a human!" Zelgadis warned.

"Do not worry...I will not appear at Filia's party without your cure." Rezo reassured him. "Eris called to tell Filia that we would be a little...late." He added, dramatically pausing in the middle of his sentence. "Is that all right with you?"

Zelgadis heaved an exasperated sigh. "Whatever it takes, but you'd better teleport over here the second you find my cure, got it?"

The Red Priest muttered an agreement and hung up the phone, but before he could go back down into the library, Kopii ran into the room wearing a green tuxedo, a red tie, and a Santa hat. "Kopii, where do you think you're going dressed like THAT?" Rezo demanded.

"How did you..."

"I have my ways." Rezo told his clone, who glared at the priest.

"I just decided to go invite Zolf, Vrumugun, Rodimus, and all those other secondary characters the author doesn't care about over and throwing a party like Eris suggested." Kopii lied.

"Don't even think about it." Rezo said. "I know what you're up to, and you are NOT coming to Filia's party!"

Kopii turned around and sulked back up to his room to think of a better plan.

End Chapter 6! Yay six chapters...heck, I might actually finish this in time for Christmas! Remember, if I get a lot of reviews I'll post sooner! Ja ne!


	7. Party Time at Last

And now a word from the author!!!

Taitofan- HmmmâValgaav? You'll just have to wait and see about that one

Dei- It just isn't a Christmas party without the mistletoe.

Jeffrey- Here, have a cookie. Thanks for the review!

Mistress DragonFlame- Glad you think it's funny. There's more where that came from.

Chapter 7: Party Time at Last

As Filia shoved the last bit of food in front of Lina so she could instantly cook it, she realized that except for Rezo and Eris, who were coming late anyway, the royal family of Seiruun, Valgaav, and Almayce, everyone had arrived. She left the kitchen and gasped.

The menagerie of Slayers characters hadn't been in her house very long, but the place was already a wreck. Zangulus and Martina were hanging all over each other under one of the many sprigs of mistletoe they'd planted on the ceiling (Zangulus's plan of defeating Gourry in a sword fight was completely shoved to the back of his mind). Phibrizzo was still tied to the front door and was desperately trying to break free, and in doing so was smashing a bunch of potted poinsettias. Gourry was slurping a bowl of Sylphiel's soup (hiding food from Gourry is NOT an easy task) and getting it all over the presents, and Sylphiel was drooling all over the swordsman and trying to get him to walk under one of the sprigs of mistletoe while she "just so happened" to be under it. Gaav was tossing Filia's CDs everywhere trying to find what he called "decent music." As for Zelgadis, he was back outside standing on the fence post, and a new coat of snow was piling up on him as he waited for his grandfather/great-grandfather to show up.

Gaav reached into Filia's box of CDs. "What is this crap???" He cried. "This is all Christmas music and sappy love songs and GARBAGE!"

"What were you looking for?" Lina asked, "Heavy metal? Rap? Hip-Hop?"

"Heck no!" Gaav exclaimed, "I was looking for the Spice Girls!"

Lina turned pale and sweatdropped. "Okaaaay" she said. "I'll be going now." She tiptoed away and inserted a random Christmas CD into the CD player.

Filia collapsed onto the couch. She was getting a headache alreadyâand the party had barely begun! The doorbell rang.

"Hey shorty!" Zangulus called to Phibrizzo. "Get the door, will ya?"

"Don't call me shorty!" Phibrizzo snapped, "I am"

"Yeah sure whatever." Zangulus muttered as he resumed swapping spit with Martina. The doorbell rang again. Phibrizzo opened it.

"Awww, aren't you the cutest widdle thing in the whole wide world???" Prince Philionel el de Seiruun exclaimed. "Give Uncle Phil a big Christmas hug!"

Phibrizzo slammed the door in Prince Phil's face and went back to trying to gnaw through his leash.

"Gee Daddy, that wasn't very nice of Mr. Phibrizzo to do that," Amelia remarked.

Prince Phil was on the verge of tears. "Whatever happened to good old Christmas love, good will, and JUSTICE???" He bawled, sitting on the front step.

"Let's see if we can get in through the back" Amelia suggested.

After letting the crown prince of Seiruun and his daughter into the house, Filia sighed. Everyone was either making out or making a mess of things. Some idiot had gone and untied Phibrizzo (it was probably Prince Phil) and he was now running around creating chaos. "Oh well, at least Xellos isn't here" Filia said to herself, trying to look on the bright side.

Moments later, the doorbell rang again. "Hey you!" He yelled to Gaav. "You in the stupid trench coat!"

"It's NOT stupid!" Gaav yelled, drawing his oversized sword. "You take that back!"

"Oh no!" Martina gasped. "You mustn't hurt my precious Zangy-Wangy!"

Zangulus cowered and stammered, "Iâonlyâwanted youâtoâanswer the"

Just then the doorbell rang a second time. Gaav got the picture and put his sword back, then opened the door.

Valgaav was standing there, and the second he saw Gaav he dropped all the presents on the doorstep. "Do my eyes deceive me?! LORD GAAV YOU'VE RETURNED TO ME!!!" Valgaav cried as his eyes turned into little hearts and he threw himself at Gaav. "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER!!!"

"I'm not your present, this is." Gaav said flatly, handing Valgaav some soap on a rope.

"SOAP ON A ROPE HOW THOUGHTFUL!" Valgaav exclaimed. "And you remembered the rope this time too! I'll treasure it forever!"

"You do that." Gaav said as he walked into the kitchen.

Valgaav was about to mindlessly follow him but as soon as he closed the door the bell rang again. Valgaav reluctantly opened it.

Jilas was standing there, and the second he saw Valgaav he dropped all his presents on the doorstep. "Do my eyes deceive me?! LORD VALGAAV YOU'VE RETURNED TO ME!!!" Jilas cried as his eye turned into a little heart and he threw himself at Valgaav. "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER!!!"

"I'm not your present, this is." Valgaav said flatly, handing Jilas the soap on a rope Gaav had just given him.

"SOAP ON A ROPE HOW THOUGHTFUL!" Jilas exclaimed. "And you remembered the rope this time too! I'll treasure it forever!"

Filia then butted into the conversation. "Jilas, what are YOU doing here? I don't believe I sent you an invitation, and it IS invitation only"

Jilas gave Filia the sad puppy face. "Butâbut it's CHRISTMAS EVEâand IâI want to spend it with the people I loveâerâwell, just Valgaav, the rest of you I couldn't care less about"

Filia ignored him and knocked him three blocks out of town with her mace, then told Valgaav to get in the house because he was letting all the cold air in. Valgaav grabbed the presents he and Jilas had dropped and stuck them under the tree.

Back in the house, Gaav and Phibrizzo were sneaking out the back door while a sleeping Gourry was supposed to be watching them to make sure they didn't cause any trouble.

Filia stormed into the kitchen. "Gourry, get up!" She yelled. "Jilas just tried to crash the party! We need to make sure no one else comes uninvited!" She ordered. "Get outside and wait for people to show up! I've got a feeling I forgot something though"

End Chapter 7!!!

Yes, the party actually STARTED! Waiting for that party to start was like waiting for a Miyazaki movie to beginâyou know, you spend about an hour sitting there waiting for the movie to start and all of a sudden you realize, "Oh, it's already started, and I've been watching it for an hour!" (Well it was like that for me at leastâ) At least Miyazaki movies are good, and from all the reviews I'm getting I guess this is good too. Oh wait, there are still guests that haven't arrived! Uhâja ne!!!


	8. In Which All Heck Breaks Loose

To all you Nice People who said Nice Things about my Fic:

Taitofan—Who's next? Now THAT is a secret.

Bluegoo—Don't worry about reviewing all the time. As long as the story's captured your interest, it's fine by me. Glad you liked the Spice Girls part though, I was worried it sounded a little cheesy.

Silver-dono—It's not poison. Really. Uh...Collin made it. Yeah. I'll go with that.

Charatka—Here's your chocolate. I'm not that big of a fan of cookies either, but that's what was in the kitchen at the time so that's why everyone's got cookies. Your English is pretty good judging from your review, even if it isn't your first language. There are a LOT of people who screw up on grammar online and they've been speaking English all their lives too, so don't worry about making grammatical errors online.

Mistress DragonFlame—I'm not a big Xellos/Filia pairing fan, so I doubt that will happen. I'm really more into those obscure pairings that next to no one writes about (cough cough Lina/Rezo cough cough). Besides, the entire fic basically plays off Filia's hatred toward Xellos...however; anything can happen in THIS story.

Chapter 8: In Which All Heck Breaks Loose

"That's IT!" Filia exclaimed, "I remember now! I forgot to make one of those vegetable platters that no one really eats anyway!"

"Gee Miss Filia," Amelia wondered, "Why in the world would you make a vegetable platter if no one eats it? Besides, you'd be destroying the lives of so many innocent plants..."

Filia ignored her and chopped up some celery. "Go into the living room and entertain the guests, will you?" She asked. Amelia beamed and seized Prince Phil by the arm.

"Daddy! Let's go into the living room and entertain our guests with our new and improved JUSTICE speech #12!"

"All 6,724 verses?" Prince Phil asked.

"Of course!" Amelia replied.

"Thatta girl!" Phil cried. "It is our sworn duty as warriors of JUSTICE to spread the word of peace and good will..."

"...and JUSTICE..." Amelia chimed in.

"...to our fellow Slayers characters!" They finished in unison, launching into a dramatic pose. Filia groaned.

"Yeah sure whatever just get out of here, will you?" She muttered as Amelia and Phil bounced happily out of the kitchen. Filia started slicing up raw broccoli, some carrots, four different kinds of olives, and those little pickles that everyone says they like but no one ever eats. She started arraying them in a little pattern on the tray so it looked "absolutely perfect."

Xellos magically appeared behind Filia, put his head up really close to hers, and said, "Why, that looks pretty."

Filia giggled like a dolphin, not realizing who it was. "Oh, you think so too? I think the olives really do compliment the..." However just then common sense finally hit her and she realized who she was talking to. Her left eye twitched as she turned around ever so slowly, only to confirm her worst fears had manifested themselves into flesh. She slapped herself in the forehead and muttered to herself, "Why didn't I recognize that awful dub voice..."

Xellos moved in even closer, opened his eyes a crack, and said, "What was that about my dub voice? Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS, MISS FILIA!" He cried, reverting back to his genki face, donning a Santa hat, and biting the head off a gingerbread cookie.

Filia regained her composure, crossed her arms, and said, "Nice to see you too, but I regret to inform you that this party is invitation only, so get out." She smirked smugly at the Mazoku, who returned the smirk with one of his own.

"Oh I know THAT all too well..." Xellos replied.

"So? What are you waiting for? Leave!" The dragon insisted.

"You see, I happen to have such an invitation right here." Xellos whipped out Almayce's modified invitation and waved it under her nose.

"What are you doing with THAT?" Filia cried, nearing hysterics. "I don't seem to remember sending YOU an invitation..."

"It must've slipped your mind, Filia my dear, but then again, a LOT of things slip your mind." Xellos taunted, not wanting to get into his über-annoying "That is a secret" thing just yet.

Filia grabbed the invitation and read, then reread it to herself. "I could've sworn I..."

"And one more thing," Xellos added. "Almayce said to tell you something came up, and he won't be able to make it. Isn't that sad..." He walked off and poofed his gifts under the tree.

Filia stood there gaping, her mouth wide open like a carp.

Out in the front yard, Gaav and Phibrizzo were hiding behind the neighbor's hedge, staring at Zelgadis, who was STILL out there standing on the fence post. "Hey Gaav," Phibrizzo whispered, "Wanna see who can knock rock-boy off the fence post first?"

"What are we supposed to do? Throw rocks at him? You know that won't work!" Gaav reminded him.

"Well maybe THIS rock might..." Phibrizzo said, pulling a cinder block out from behind him.

"Where'd you get that?" Gaav demanded.

"Out back in the shed." Phibrizzo replied.

"But you'll never be able to throw that thing!" Gaav said. Phibrizzo was about to reply, but the Demon-Dragon King added, "Let ME throw it instead."

Gaav hurled the cinder block at Zelgadis, who fell off the post into Filia's yard and passed out. Phibrizzo ran over to him, stood him up, and made him into a snowman.

In the living room, while Phil and Amelia were "entertaining" the hoard of groaning guests with their rants of JUSTICE, Lina had snuck off to where the presents were.

"Hmmm..." she mumbled, shaking a particularly large box. As soon as she did, she heard the distinct sound of glass breaking. She examined it a little closer, and saw that the box was labeled "to Amelia." She stuck it under the other presents and pretended nothing ever happened.

It took a while, but Lina finally found a decent-sized present with her name on it and she abruptly began to shake it. "Hey, it's ticking!" She noticed. "Hmmm...its' from Jilas...hey wait a second, Jilas isn't supposed to be here...HEY GOURRY! GOURRY WHERE ARE YOU???" She ran around the house with the suspiciously ticking box and found him sleeping on the front porch.

"Gourry, get up...hey, did you make that snowman out there?" Lina asked as Gourry woke up. "It looks good."

Gourry shrugged. "What is it?" He asked.

"I need you to open this present." Lina said.

"But this one says 'Lina' on it, not 'Gourry!'" Gourry said.

Lina, surprised that Gourry could distinguish between his name and hers, replied, "I don't care! Just open it!" And shoved the present at him.

"But I'm GOURRY! I'm not LINA..." Gourry cried, "...unless I AM Lina, which would make you Gourry and me...

"Shut up and open the #$ thing before I..."

"Fine." Gourry said, grabbing the present as Lina ran far, far away. "Hmm, I wonder why Lina's so scared of this alarm clock."

"Di...did you say 'ALARM CLOCK?'" Lina repeated. Gourry nodded.

"It's got a picture of Dora the Explorer on it too!" He said.

Lina groaned. "I can't believe I got all worked up over a Dora the Explorer alarm clock!" She cried as Gourry went inside. "This is just a piece of..."

But unfortunately she didn't get to finish her sentence seeing as the alarm clock had blown up in her face.

So how was it? Good as usual? Really stupid and boring? Slightly more interesting than watching infomercials on the weather channel? We here at...uh...my house...strive to make your fic-reading a more enjoyable experience and appreciate your feedback. So R&R, people! Spread the word of...er...Slayers...I mean, Christmas in September...I mean...if you review more I'll post Chapter 9 really, really soon...or something like that.


	9. The Curse of the Mazoku Scum

To all you people who reviewed:

Sorry for not posting in like a month. I apologize for the inconvenience because I am lazy and taking college courses which consume a lot of my time. I am especially lazy because I've already written up to chapter 14 and just didn't post it. As compensation, everyone gets free intangible desserts.

Chapter 9: The Curse of the "Mazoku Scum"

Eris sighed as she gazed down the highway at the fifteen miles of blocked traffic. Kopii was in the back of the spiky black Pinto, wearing Rezo's robes and trying his hardest to keep his mouth and eyes shut. Luckily getting out of the lab was easy since Rezo was in the basement and Eris had an IQ of 7.

"I'm so glad you decided to forget about that dumb gay guy on the phone and come with me to Filia's instead!" Eris said, blushing.

"Gay guy?" Kopii wondered.

"Yeah..." Eris said dreamily. "Hey listen! They're playing our song on the radio!" She turned up the volume.

"Yes! Only three easy payments of $19.95 and this lovely Hyper Mop can be yours..." the stupid announcer guy said.

"Uh...this isn't a song; it's an infomercial for a mop." Kopii asked. "When did we get a song, anyway?"

"Honestly Rezo you say that every time this song comes on..." Eris whined. "I'm surprised we've even been going out this long, and don't even START with that 'We're NOT going out' thing you always do..."

"We're NOT going out!" Kopii said, grinning, just to annoy Eris, who scowled in reply. "Are we there yet?" He added as an afterthought for the seventeenth time.

"You know, if you weren't so cute I'd drop you off on the side of the road!" Eris snapped.

"You seem cranky today..." Kopii remarked. "Is it that time of the month or something?" He immediately wished he could take back his words after that, however, since it was clearly NOT something the original Rezo would have said in the situation...

"You don't seem like yourself either..." Eris finally noticed. "I just can't put my finger on it, but somehow you're more blatantly honest and outspoken than usual..."

At this, Kopii heaved a sigh of relief. Eris wouldn't figure out he wasn't really Rezo, but he'd have to be more careful once they got to the party...

Back at the aforementioned party, Sylphiel had just broken out of her bored trance and she snuck away from where Phil and Amelia were ranting about JUSTICE and whatnot. Martina was glaring at Amelia like she was some kind of criminal. Amelia didn't seem to notice though.

Sylphiel found Gourry in the kitchen looking at the vegetable platter. "Hey Sylphiel!" He said, "Isn't this vegetable thing pretty?"

Sylphiel grinned, blushed, and nodded. "The olives really compliment the parsley quite well." She said. "Gourry dear, you mustn't eat anything on that tray! It's too beautiful to eat!"

"Glad you two like it," Filia said. "I worked so hard on it too...too bad that Mazoku scumbag had to go and wreck my good mood..."

"Mazoku scumbag?" Sylphiel asked, "Is Xellos here?"

"I thought he wasn't invited!" Gourry exclaimed.

"So did I," Filia mumbled, collapsing onto a chair. "Now this whole party is RUINED!!!"

"Don't say things like that!" Sylphiel scolded.

"Why shouldn't I?" Filia retorted.

"A party is only as good or bad as you make it out to be!" Sylphiel exclaimed.

"But I've got a strict 'No Mazoku' policy!" Filia tried to explain.

"I thought you studied your Slayers and Next characters!" Sylphiel said. "Don't you know that Gaav and Phibrizzo are Mazoku too?"

Filia passed out right then and there. She woke up in her room, where Sylphiel was busy tending to Lina's wounds.

"What happened to HER?" Filia asked Sylphiel, gesturing towards the scorched sorceress. "Looks like something blew up in her face!"

"Not sure," Sylphiel answered.

"She deserved it though...honestly; it should be illegal to sell dragon meat..." Filia muttered to herself.

"What do you have against the Mazoku anyway?" Sylphiel asked.

"Go watch Slayers Try. I really don't feel like explaining." Filia said. "I can't believe I didn't know they were Mazoku, especially after all that research...I could have guessed it, what with the way Phibrizzo smashed my garden gnomes and Gaav insisted we all listen to the Spice Girls...all I know is whenever a Mazoku shows up at a party, that party is doomed, without question. Think of it as a curse."

Sylphiel just turned around and went back to healing Lina. "Whatever it is, you're just going to have to be a bit more polite to Xellos, or he really WILL ruin the party." She reprimanded. "And if HE doesn't, your attitude just might!"

"Shut up," Filia muttered, "I don't wanna get lectured right now..." She stormed downstairs.

Xellos materialized out back, where Gaav and Phibrizzo were rolling on the ground with laughter.

"Xellos!" Phibrizzo exclaimed, "We...just made Zelgadis...into a...into a..."  
"SNOWMAN!!!" Gaav cried, pointing over the fence at the Zel-snowman.

"I must admit, those smashed garden gnomes really do make Miss Filia's home seem much more inhabitable." Xellos commented. "Was that your doing, Phibrizzo?"

"Of course!" Phibrizzo bragged.

"I must ask you, how DID you two sneak in here?" The self-proclaimed "Mysterious Priest" wondered. "You do know about Miss Ul Copt's 'No Mazoku' rule, do you not?"

Phibrizzo put his finger to his lips, closed one eye, and said in a terrible imitation of Xellos's dub voice, "Now thaaaat's a secret!"

Gaav slapped the boy in the face and explained to Xellos, "We were invited."

"But...how?" Xellos wondered.

"She doesn't know we're Mazoku." Gaav explained.

"Wonder how long that'll last..." Phibrizzo added.

Just then, Filia stormed out the back door. "So, are the three of you Mazoku losers plotting some away to ruin my party any further???" She demanded. "GET OUT!!!"

"Now, now Miss Filia, there's no need to yell." Xellos replied, opening one of his eyes and sneering. "Why, it's Christmas Eve! We should at least try and be nice to each other..."

"This is your last warning, Xellos Metallium!" Filia yelled as a vein popped up on her forehead and she grabbed her mace. "Take your stupid friends and LEAVE!!!"

"As you wish," Xellos sighed as he teleported off. Filia retreated back into the kitchen.

"Ahh, peace and quiet at last!" Filia exclaimed, collapsing onto a poofy chair in relief and settling down to watch Phil and Amelia's JUSTICE speech.

Unfortunately for her, Xellos had only teleported into the basement, and Gaav and Phibrizzo were still out back.

Rezo (the real one) hastily pulled yet another book off the shelves of his library and grabbed it by the front and back covers, and then shook it. "Nothing..." he muttered to himself as he tossed the book aside and grabbed another, repeating the process. "I'm surprised Kopii hasn't made a sound since Eris left...usually he'd be annoying the crap out of me by now." The Red Priest commented, noticing for the first time in months that he hadn't stuck Zelgadis's cure in a book at all...he'd only absentmindedly taped it to the fridge. He ran up to the kitchen and grabbed the paper. "Yes...this is it..." he confirmed (somehow), as he went downstairs to review the material before the party.

Yeah, yeah, I know not much happens here...I'm just lazy. Chapter ten is better, but if you want to see it you have to REVIEW!!! I promise if I get a decent number of responses I'll post within a week. Really. Ja ne!


	10. Rezo Changes Zel Back

Hi!!!!! Only 18 days till Christmas! Really!!! Finally this fic is IN SEASON!!! And to celebrate—intangible refreshments for everyone!

Here you all go—another chapter for you to enjoy, Shy Neko… (And yes Mistress DragonFlame, I know 9 was kind of a boring chapter, but 10's better. Really.)

Chapter 10: In which Zelgadis gets "Changed Back"

Eris slammed the brake pedal down in front of Filia's house, and she and Kopii grabbed everyone's presents and jumped out of the vehicle as it skidded into a neighbor's hedge. Eris held her breath and prepared for a deafening explosion, but luckily the car held out. The neighbor's hedge was another story.

"Oh well," Eris said to herself. "Not my lawn, not my problem." She grabbed Kopii and the presents and the two of them made their way toward Filia's house. Unfortunately as they were doing so, some other car zoomed around the corner at an illegally high speed and rear ended the spiky black Pinto, which exploded upon impact. Kopii winced and Eris kept walking along like this sort of thing happened all the time. She walked up to Zelgadis (who was still a snowman, by the way) and her eyes turned into little hearts.

"Awww, what an ADORABLE snowman!!!" She squealed. "Just looking at this cute widdle snowman reminds me of that song…you know what song I'm talking about, don't you Rezo?"

Kopii stood there like an idiot.

"REZO!" Eris yelled.

"Uh…what?" Kopii finally answered, remembering whose identity he was stealing.

Eris repeated the snowman sentence (I just don't feel like writing it again, okay?)

"By song…you don't mean that insurance commercial they kept playing on the ride over here, do you?" Kopii asked skeptically, having learned that Eris's definition of music included anything and everything that was played on the radio.

Eris slapped herself in the forehead and exclaimed, "NO I MEAN 'FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!'" She sighed. "Rezo, you're lucky you have me around. Without me and my superior intelligence you'll never get anywhere in life!"

Kopii groaned. "You have an IQ of 7." He muttered under his breath. "The only person I can think of who's more of an idiot than you is Gourry Gabriev, and I'm beginning to wonder if he even counts."

"But as I was saying, I wonder if putting a magic hat on that snowman's head will bring him to life, you know?" Eris said like she was some sort of ditzy moron (which she was, don't get me wrong), having not listened to a word Kopii had said.

"Maybe Gourry IS smarter…" Kopii pondered as Eris pulled a random top hat out of the bag of gifts she was carrying and stuck it on Zel's head.

Coincidentally, at that very moment Zelgadis decided to regain consciousness. He looked around and saw…snow. Zel poked his arms out and screamed bloody murder, wondering what the heck was going on and wiping the snow out of his eyes. Eris freaked out.

"ACK REZO IT REALLY _DID_ COME TO LIFE AND IT'S SCARY AND IT THINK IT'S GONNA EAT ME!!!" Eris screamed, dropping all the presents and running inside.

"REZO?!" Zelgadis cried. "REZO CHANGE ME BACK AND GET ME OUT OF THIS HORRIBLE BODY!!!"

"All right." Kopii said with a shrug. He grabbed Zel by the arm, hoisted him a couple of feet into the air, and shook all the snow off him (and very violently, might I add). "There you go."

"Huh?" Zelgadis questioned. "I'm still a chimera. Please explain."

"Well, you WERE a snowman." Kopii told him with a cheesy grin. "I changed you back from a snowman into a chimera! Merry Christmas!"

"What a rip-off…" Zelgadis muttered as he picked up all the presents. "Don't expect me to cure your blindness after THAT." He entered Filia's place, and Kopii followed him inside.

"Frankly I couldn't care less." The Red Priest impersonator muttered.

Zelgadis stared at Kopii. "What did you just say?" He asked.

"Did Filia remember to buy cheesy poofs?" Kopii quickly asked, changing the subject.

"I think Zangulus has…wait a minute, stop beating around the bush! Are you or are you not going to change me back into a human like you promised???" Zelgadis demanded, grabbing Kopii's robes and smacking him on the head a couple of times with a piece of celery from the vegetable platter.

"Sylphiel, look!" Gourry cried. "That Red Priest guy made Zeldigas mess up the pretty vegetable thing!"

"HE WHAAAAAAT????" Sylphiel cried, having just come downstairs and finished healing Lina. "But…I thought Rezo the Red Priest was a kind, benevolent humanitarian who wouldn't DARE mess up a vegetable platter!!!"

"Oh yeah, that spiky lady over there brought soup too!" Gourry said, pointing to Eris. "It's a little chunky, but still pretty good. I'll have to get the recipe."

"Competition for you, Gourry dear?" Sylphiel repeated, stunned. "I'd better go set things straight before it gets out of hand." She sauntered over to where Eris and Martina were complimenting each other's skimpy outfits. "AHEM!" She said, tapping Eris on the shoulder and frowning.

Eris turned around. "Merry Christmas, Sylphiel!" She exclaimed with a grin.

"Don't play dumb with me, Eris!" Sylphiel snapped. "What's the big idea bringing SOUP to the party? Only _I_ can bring soup for Gourry dear!"

"But…but I wanted to make Rezo possum stew for Christmas!" Eris whined, "Even though he can't stand my cooking, I had to do it as a gesture of thoughtfulness…in case you STILL haven't got a clue yet, I wouldn't try and steal your precious 'Gourry dear' if he were the last sword-slinging idiot on the planet! I like REZO!!!"

"How dare you insult my dear Gourry!" Sylphiel defended her item of idolatry, who'd run off and begun to play with the soap again.

"Cat fight!" Valgaav announced. Amelia and Prince Phil immediately ceased their rants of JUSTICE and crowded around Eris and Sylphiel to egg them on with cheers of JUSTICE. Everyone else ignored him.

In the kitchen, Filia suspiciously eyed Eris's pot of possum stew. "Where did that woman get a pot that's been studded with spikes?" She wondered out loud. The golden dragon tiptoed over to the pot and lifted the lid. "Ugh!" She cried, turning green and holding her nose. "This stuff smells AWFUL!"

All of a sudden Gaav and Phibrizzo stampeded into the kitchen. "IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS???" Phibrizzo cried. Filia stared blankly at the Mazoku lord as if to say, "Get out of my house."

"It is!" Gaav exclaimed, lifting the lid and taking a good, long whiff of the stuff (which looked like it could have come to life at any given moment).

"POSSUM STEW!" They cried in exultation, pouring heaping bowlfuls of the foul-smelling soup for themselves. Filia gagged on the stench and made a beeline for the bathroom.

"That Eris lady made MAZOKU FOOD???" Filia thought as she barfed up everything she'd eaten that day. "She seemed so nice on the phone too…she'd better not be a Mazoku or I'll have to kick her AND that Rezo guy out!"

"FLARE…carrot?" Sylphiel cried as she botched another spell.

"Yeah, yeah, go Miss Sylphiel! Beat Eris in the name of JUSTICE!" Amelia and Phil cheered in cheap cheerleader costumes.

"Eww, gross! Phil's legs are all hairy!" Martina cried. "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Don't look at it, Martina my dear," Zangulus said as he and his wife started making out…again.

All of a sudden, Gourry walked up to Eris and dumped the whole shipping crate of soap on a rope (without the rope) onto her head. "Your stupid soup gave me indigestion!" He complained, "and you're dumb and…uh…spiky! Sylphiel's better than you!"

"Yay for Miss Sylphiel and JUSTICE!" Amelia and Phil cheered.

"Phil, you look really ugly in that dress." Valgaav commented.

"I FEEL SO INSULTED!" Phil cried as he began to bawl like a four-year-old for the second time in this fic.

Gaav and Phibrizzo walked up to Eris eating heaping bowlfuls of possum stew. "This is the best possum stew we've had in centuries!" Gaav exclaimed, slurping up a stray possum foot that had ended up in the soup somehow.

"Why thank you…" Eris said from underneath the 500 or so bars of soap. "No one's EVER complimented me on my cooking before…I got that recipe from a man who called himself 'Xellos the Mysterious Priest.' I'm glad you like it!"

"Xellos???" Phibrizzo asked. "I never knew he was such a good cook!"

"Speaking of cooking," Amelia noticed, "it's getting late. When exactly was Miss Filia planning on having dinner?"

"Actually, dinner begins in five minutes!" Filia announced, opening the kitchen door and calling everyone to attention.

"You don't look well at all, Miss Filia!" Amelia commented. "Do you want Miss Sylphiel to heal you?"

"I'll be fine." Filia muttered.

All of a sudden, Lina stampeded downstairs toward the kitchen. "FOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She cried. Everyone heard the noise and assembled in the dining room, anxiously waiting to be served.

Hehehe…Chapter 10 complete! Stay tuned—I'll post the next chapter once I reach the 35-review mark!


	11. Chaos at the Dinnertable

Hi people! Only 348 days left till Christmas!!! Oh, and I hope everyone had a very merry one or whatever you all celebrate! Now down to business. I don't recall Madame Arrow Foxfire or Double-Dee ever reviewing yet so you guys get cookies (you'd better not be "the regulars" just reviewing under different names trying to get free dessert!!!) Oh, and Double-Dee…don't worry, I only torture Rezo cause I think he's awesome.

Silver-Dono…you get a Cheeto, since you've actually been READING this even though you helped write it and know what happens up to Chapter 15. Hey, don't look at me like all, "I only get ONE Cheeto???" I'm on a budget, all right? Now those Slayers characters are all starving since it's been weeks since I last posted and I had them all hanging waiting for dinner, so on to the story!

Chapter 11: Chaos at the Dinnertable

Filia joined her fellow Slayers characters at the dining room table after making some last-minute preparations. As she sat down, a loud, distinct "PPPPPFFFBBBBPPPHHHHTHTHTTTTT!!!!!" rang through the air. She glared at Gaav and Phibrizzo, who were seated across the table as she pulled a deflated Whoopee cushion out from under herself. "Okay, which one of you two delinquents did this???" She demanded. Phibrizzo grinned sheepishly and pointed at Gaav. Gaav grinned sheepishly and pointed at Phibrizzo. Filia, realizing this was going nowhere, locked the Whoopee cushion in a cupboard.

"Now Filia," Xellos chided, hovering upside-down next to the golden dragon, "You mustn't lose your temper in front of the guests!" He then sighed and pulled another Whoopee cushion out of his pocket, floated over to where Filia was going to sit, and planted it on the chair. "Some dragons never learn…"

"I should have guessed it was you, Namagomi!" Filia yelled, running over to her chair and throwing the Whoopee cushion at Xellos, who caught it and sat down to eat.

At that point, everyone had already begun to pig out. Lina and Gourry were fighting over a rather large piece of turkey, Martina and Zangulus were making out in the corner (while pausing every so often so that Zangulus could eat some cheesy poofs), Gaav, Xellos, and Phibrizzo were gobbling down Eris's downright disgusting-looking soup, which Eris was trying to force-feed Kopii.

"I think I should have stayed back at the lab…" Kopii thought to himself as Eris violently shoved another spoonful of dismembered possum parts down his throat.

Valgaav was staring dreamily at Gaav throughout the entire meal. "Lord Gaav, you're the greatest!" He mindlessly said as he intensely watched the Demon Dragon King serve himself another heaping bowl of possum stew.

"Hey Daddy, did you try any of this pumpkin pie?" Amelia asked Phil. "There was a piece missing when we got here. It's pretty good!"

Phil served himself some of the pie (the one Lina had tampered with back in Chapter 3 for those of you with short attention spans) and took a bite. "Hey, this IS good!" He exclaimed after taking a bite. "Hey Filia, think you could give me the recipe for this pie?"

Filia was about to reply, when all of a sudden, the doorbell rang. "Now who might that be?" Sylphiel asked.

"Maybe it's Almayce," Filia said, glaring at Xellos, "and he's here to take back his invitation!"

"Filia, why in the world would I EVER do a thing as rotten as stealing Almayce's invitation?" The Mazoku asked, grinning innocently.

"Answer the door already!" Valgaav cried as he watched Gaav take a piece of pumpkin pie for himself.

"Fine!" Filia snapped, storming off to the front door. "It had BETTER not be some stupid door-to-door salesperson…or even worse, more Mazoku…"

She opened the door and found herself face-to-face with Rezo the Red Priest…the REAL one. "Uh…" She stammered, looking back into the dining room where Kopii was running for the bathroom looking like he could blow chunks at any minute. "Do you have an invitation?"

"I…do not have one on me." Rezo said, dramatically pausing in the middle of the sentence as the camera zoomed in on him so close that the lens practically went up his nose. Filia sweatdropped as the Red Priest shoved the cameraman out of his face. "Eris came by earlier with my invitation. Are you Filia Ul Copt?"

"Uh…yes…but I think you're already here…Mr.…uh…Rezo…" she replied, consulting her "Pocket Guide to Everything Slayers" (presumably the one she studied all the other characters from). "Hey wait…says here in this book there's a guy named Kopii Rezo who's supposed to look exactly like the original! You must be trying to surpass the original somehow by crashing my party!"

Rezo gulped. Kopii had fooled Eris into thinking he was the real Rezo and taking HIM to the party! "Miss Ul Copt, I can explain…" He tried to tell her, but before he knew it, Filia had smacked him in the head with her mace as hard as she could and slammed the door shut in his face. Rezo reeled backwards from the shock, fell down the porch steps into a snowbank, and passed out.

Somewhere in the depths of Rezo's mind, ruby-eyed Shabranigdo shuddered. "Tell me I didn't hear Gaav, Xellos, and Phibrizzo in there!" He said to himself, shuddering. "I went to all the trouble of possessing this stupid guy to get away from those losers only to run into them here, of all places…they're going to drive me insane all night! I'd better get out of this host before they detect my presence!" And with that, Shabranigdo teleported his way out of the Red Priest and far, FAR away (I think it might have been Cancun) from his three subjects.

"Who was that at the door?" Eris asked.

"It was just some guy pretending to be Rezo." Filia replied nonchalantly, putting her mace back in its usual spot.

"Kopii…" Eris deducted. "When will he ever learn?"

Kopii laughed suspiciously loud and said, "Well, he'll never make it in here, that's for sure! Haha!"

"Hey, what happened to all the food?" Filia asked, noticing that everything on the table had mysteriously disappeared, save for the possum stew and Zangulus's cheesy poofs.

Everyone looked at Lina. "What?" The sorceress asked. "I was hungry!"

"I guess this means dinner's over…" Valgaav said to Gaav. However, the Mazoku just sat in his chair with a really strange look on his face. Valgaav looked around the room. A number of other guests, Amelia and Prince Phil among them, had that same weird look. "Lord Gaav, what's going on?" The Ancient Dragon/Mazoku hybrid asked.

"I HAVE TO TAKE A #$#ING CRAP!!!" Gaav shouted as he, Phil, Amelia, Zelgadis, and Martina shoved each other out of the way to get to the downstairs bathroom. Lina grinned.

"Hey Filia, you can probably guess what I put in that pie NOW!" She exclaimed.

"You didn't!" Filia gasped.

Lina smiled mischievously and nodded, reaching into her pocket and triumphantly pulling out a small box labeled "Choco-Lax."

"But…you ate all that pie before the party!!!" Filia uttered, "How come YOU never had to go to the bathroom?"

"Well Filia, it's like this." Gourry explained, having seemingly popped up out of nowhere as usual, "Lina's digestive system can handle pretty much anything, which explains how she can eat massive quantities of food without gaining any weight, or can eat extremely spicy or sour foods without feeling any discomfort. Likewise, she can also ingest laxatives without experiencing the side effects."

"Gourry just said something intelligent…" Filia said, "I think I'm going to lie down."

"Actually, he's been trying to memorize that explanation for years." Lina whispered. "He's still got it written on his gauntlet, and I'm surprised he didn't ask for help with the big words this time."

Filia heaved a sigh of relief and went to clear the tables. "What were we talking about again?" Gourry asked Lina.

"Never mind…" The sorceress replied with a sigh.

You guys didn't REALLY think Gourry'd EVER say something SMART, did you? This thing's probably got more reviews than any other Christmas story I've ever read here! Yay!!! Next episode: The Slayers go Caroling!!! Do YOU want to see the Slayers sing? Huh? Do you? Well…sorry, you can't. I can't do flash animations…but you CAN read about it in the next chapter, which I will post on the condition that you all go out and review! Remember, your review can make a difference…and I sound like a public service announcement, don't I? Ja ne!


	12. The Caroling Incident

This one's for you, Chitoryu12, wherever you are now. Considering you reviewed in July, and I've been very negligent in my account's upkeep, you probably gave up on me. Well fear not! Justice will prevail! THEY WILL SING!

Chapter 12: The Caroling Incident

"Miss Filia, is it time to go caroling yet?" Amelia eagerly asked Filia for the fiftieth time whilst the slightly perturbed Golden Dragon crammed every single dirty dish into her dishwasher, including the turkey pan.

"I never said we were going caroling!" Filia snapped as she kicked the door of the machine shut.

"But it's on your to-do list!" Amelia pleaded.

"What? Well, I guess I can't fight the to-do list," Filia muttered sarcastically, whipping out the list. "Hmmm…it really IS here…that's funny. I don't remember putting that on the list…NAMAGOMI!"

Xellos floated into the room, grinning mischievously. "Yes Filia my dear?" He answered.

"Did you put 'go caroling' on my to-do list?"

"Now why would I do a thing like THAT?"

"BECAUSE YOU LIKE ANNOYING ME!"

"Well, besides that…" Xellos muttered.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE…"

"It was Phibrizzo." Xellos cut in as he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Filia marched over to Phibrizzo. "Did YOU put 'go caroling' on my to-do list?" She asked impatiently.

Phibrizzo glared and replied, "I'd rather kiss a toilet seat."

"Even one that Gaav's had diarrhea while sitting on?" Gourry asked, butting in on the conversation.

Phibrizzo was about to reply, but just then Gaav walked in with Valgaav latched onto his arm for dear life. "Were you just talking about me right now?" He interrogated, drawing his sword and threatening to slice and dice anyone who dared to reply.

"Well who WOULDN'T be talking about you?" Valgaav exclaimed. "You ARE the best character in Slayers Next!"

Filia then spoke up. "Hey Valgaav, did you by any chance happen to write, 'go caroling' on my to-do list?"

Valgaav averted his dreamy, lovey-dovey stare at Gaav just long enough to glare at Filia with a look of pure evil. "Why the #$# would I want to go caroling with you losers, all prancing around in the snow like a bunch of…"

Just then, Gaav popped in with shiny shojo-anime-style eyes. "You never said we were going CAROLING!" He exclaimed, "I LOVE CAROLING!"

Valgaav's eyes instantly turned all shiny too. "YES I ABSOLUTELY ADORE RUNNING AROUND IN THE STREETS SINGING SONGS OF GOOD WILL AND HOPE JUST LIKE YOU! IT TOOK ME UNTIL NOW TO REALIZE IT, BUT CAROLING IS MY LIFE!"

"REALLY?" Gaav cried in disbelief, "WELL LET'S GET OUR COATS THEN!" He and Valgaav then merrily skipped arm-in-arm to the coat rack.

Filia, Gaav (who was now wearing another trench coat over his trench coat and looked like an orange marshmallow), Valgaav, Phil, and Amelia split up and tried to convince everyone to come along. Getting Gourry and Sylphiel to join them was easy. "Caroling? That sounds lovely, doesn't it Gourry dear?" Sylphiel suggested.

"WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO PETSMART?" Gourry exclaimed, "COOL!"

"Uh…I never…" Sylphiel stammered.

"COME ON!" He cried, dragging the shrine maiden to the coat rack. "I WANNA PET ONE OF THOSE CUTE LITTLE MICE…"

Lina, however, wasn't that easy to convince. "Caroling?" The sorceress asked skeptically. "Are you nuts?"

"Hey Lina," Phil said with a smirk, "You know that song that goes, 'now give us some figgy pudding?'"

"Yeah," Lina replied. "What about it?"

"Well, whenever you sing it, the people you're singing to HAVE to give you figgy pudding!" Amelia finished.

"What's figgy pudding?" Lina asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you can just add in some other food, it doesn't matter." Filia snapped. "Now go get your coat before the snow gets too deep!" She raised her mace into attack position.

Lina sweatdropped. "I'm not following here. What's that about the figgy pudding?" She asked.

"Miss Lina, if you just replace 'figgy pudding' with another food, you'll get whatever food you named!" Amelia said, "And it's free!"

Lina's eyes got all shiny. "Free food? Well, you can count me in!" She exclaimed, her mouth watering. "Even if I have to sing, if there's food involved, it's all good and well in the end!"

Out on the front porch, Gaav had just finished tying up Phibrizzo and Valgaav was busily duct taping him to a sled.

"CAROLING?" Zangulus exclaimed.

"Yeah." Lina replied. "Filia, Amelia, Phil, Gaav, Valgaav, Sylphiel, and Gourry are all going."

"Gourry's coming?" Zangulus said as fire started to appear in his eyes. "Finally, something I can beat Gourry at!" He exclaimed.

"Oh Zangy-Poo, that's wonderful!" Martina squealed, grabbing a camera to take pictures of his defeat.

"I trust you'll be there to cheer me on?" Zangulus said to Martina.

"You bet!" Martina exclaimed.

Filia found Eris and Kopii in the living room. Eris was watching old Christmas specials on the 64" flat-screen plasma TV and Kopii was standing suspiciously close to the video case.

"Hey Rezo, what are you doing?" Filia asked.

"Uh…" Kopii said, immediately shutting his eyes and ceasing his search for Richard Simmons tapes. "Dusting?"

"Whatever." Filia replied. "Come on. You're going caroling."

Kopii shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Just then, Eris instinctively ran up to him. "If Rezo-kun's going caroling, then so am I!"

Kopii sweatdropped. After the possum stew incident back at the dinnertable, he was starting to find Eris less and less tolerable and also starting to imagine how it must feel for Rezo to have to deal with this every day. "Uh…I really don't…"

But Eris wouldn't take no for an answer and grabbed her and Kopii's coat, dragged the imposter outside (not bothering to notice that the REAL Rezo was lying unconscious just to the right of the porch) and joined the others.

Phil walked up to Zelgadis. "Hey there, Zelgadis!" He said cheerfully. "Up for some caroling?"

Zel looked up from sipping his coffee and being depressed and replied, "No."

"Please?" Phil begged, "Won't you do it for the sake of JUSTICE?"

"No." Zel replied again.

"You'll be letting down everyone else!"

"Good." Zel muttered.

"That's too bad…my sweet little Amelia was looking forward to seeing you there…" Phil said sadly.

Zelgadis spit out all of his coffee. "Oh…really?" He asked, pretending not to care.

"Yes, and she even said she would hold your hand so you wouldn't get lost in the snow and…"

Zel blushed as he got up and walked away.

"Where are you going?" Phil asked.

"To get my coat."

Everyone at the party gathered in front of the porch. Xellos had popped up again for the sake of bothering Filia. Nobody saw Rezo at all, despite the fact that his bright red robes were highly visible, even under a half-inch of snow. "Hey you guys," Eris said, "I think I left my purse inside! I'm going to go look for it…don't leave without me, all right?"

As soon as Eris disappeared into the house, Kopii said, "All right, let's go."

"But Miss Eris is still inside!" Amelia whined.

"Exactly." Kopii replied, snickering evilly. They walked off into the night, with Xellos floating behind them.

The group walked past the smoldering remains of Eris's Pinto and down towards the neighbor whose cinder blocks had been chucked at Zelgadis back when it was still light out. "That place looks pretty," Sylphiel remarked, admiring the decorations. "Let's sing here!"

"Sure, why not?" Filia shrugged.

"Don't you KNOW any of the people in your neighborhood?" Lina asked Filia.

"Nope." She replied as she rang the doorbell.

A cantankerous-looking old man walked out. He took a swig of whiskey from the bottle he was holding and yelled, "WHADDYA WANT?"

The Slayers characters immediately broke into song. Unfortunately, no two people were singing the same thing. Lina was shouting, "NOW GIVE ME A FIVE-COURSE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET!" over and over again, Amelia was belting out "Life is Wonderful" (much to the three Mazoku's dismay) at the top of her lungs, Gourry was saying something about a sale on Alpo, Zangulus was singing opera like he was trying to prove he was the best singer there (he wasn't), and the rest of the characters were singing random carols, save for Phibrizzo, whose mouth was taped shut.

The old man groaned. "YOU #$#ING LITTLE #$#S I'M GONNA CALL THE #$#ING COPS IF YOU DON'T GET THE #$# OFF MY PROPERTY! I BET YOU'RE THE LITTLE #$#S WHO #$#ING SMASHED MY CINDER BLOCKS TOO YOU LITTLE…"

The characters were halfway down the block before he could finish his sentence. "Gee Miss Filia, that old man wasn't very friendly…" Amelia said, sniffling.

"Cheer up, Amelia!" Phil exclaimed with a grin. "He just didn't have any holiday spirit!"

"Let's just hope he really DOESN'T call the cops on us…" Zelgadis muttered.

The party headed further down the road until the house they had stopped at was well out of sight. They stopped in front of a second house; this one had so many lights and decorations strewn all over the place that it made it look like it was still daytime.

"That looks just like Rezo's lab did last year!" Kopii exclaimed, having temporarily dropped his guise to check out the decorations.

Zelgadis eyed Kopii suspiciously, but the lights were too bright for him to notice that the man he thought was his grandfather/great-grandfather was acting like an idiot and had his eyes open. Filia walked up to the door and rang the bell. "NO SOLICITORS!" The lady inside yelled as she locked and dead-bolted the door.

"How can someone with so many lights and decorations have so little Christmas spirit?" Amelia wondered aloud as they went to the next house.

Zelgadis had let go of Amelia's hand for a bit after that. He had grabbed Filia's bright orange ski parka off of the coat rack since he couldn't find his own cloak. The parka had a funny-looking mailbox decal on the back that took up most of the coat, but it was a pretty nice jacket otherwise. He strayed a bit from the group, reflecting on all that had happened that day. "I hope we exchange gifts soon…" he thought to himself, staring at Kopii.

Just then, out of nowhere as snowplow barreled down the road, knocking down every mailbox it passed, and plowed right over Zelgadis. The snowplow skidded to a stop, and the driver looked out the window at Zelgadis. "Hey, you're not a mailbox!" He exclaimed as Zelgadis wiped the snow off his face and stood up. "Why do you have a mailbox on your coat anyway?"

Zel muttered an unintelligible reply and the snowplow started up again, plowing the snow off the road and knocking over every mailbox on the block. Zelgadis latched onto Amelia for dear life as the group plodded down the road.

Back at Filia's house, Eris had finally noticed she had been carrying her purse with her the entire time and walked out the front door. "Hey guys, you wouldn't believe…" Eris surveyed the front yard. No one was there. "Guys?" She said to no one in particular. "Great! They went and ditched me!" She cried. "Hmph!" She went to go back inside, but when she was halfway back to the porch she tripped over something and fell flat on her face. "Hey! What was that?" She asked herself, dusting snow of whatever it was that she had tripped over.

"REZO!" She cried upon uncovering the priest's bright red robes. She un-buried her item of idolatry, who had a huge mace-print on his forehead and was STILL unconscious. "They ditched you too?" She said to him like he was going to reply (then again, you never know. This IS Rezo here.) "Hmmm…are you asleep?" She asked. The unconscious priest said nothing. "Ohhhhh…" She (finally) realized, noticing the mace-print. "Filia knocked you out! I know that all the knocked-out people got taken to one of the rooms upstairs, so I guess I'd better take you up there and make you all better!" She grinned at having figured out the circumstances under which Rezo had been knocked unconscious (it wasn't brain surgery), and tried to pick him up. Unfortunately, he was WAAAAAAY too heavy. "Geez Rezo you need one of Kopii's Richard Simmons tapes!" She muttered as she dragged him onto the porch, into the house, down the hall, and up the stairs. She glanced at the five closed doors upon reaching the second floor, picked one at random, and dragged Rezo inside.

Naturally, it was a bathroom. Eris shrugged and said, "I guess this is the place, though it does seem a bit strange for Filia to treat injured party guests in a bathroom…" She managed, somehow, to haul Rezo into the conveniently oversized Jacuzzi in the corner of the room and shoved a few towels into the tub as well to make him more comfortable. Then she went downstairs to watch some more cheesy Christmas specials.

Meanwhile, outside in the small snowstorm, Filia and company trudged through two feet of the white stuff as they continued on their door-to-door trek. "Miss Filia," Amelia complained, "Why are all the people in your town so cranky all the time?"

"Maybe we should head back." Sylphiel suggested.

"No!" Zangulus argued, "I _must_ prove to the world that I am a better singer than Gourry Gabriev!"

"And I wanna see the puppies!" Gourry insisted. "You told me we'd be going to Raymore and Flannigan's!"

Everyone stared blankly at Gourry and sweatdropped. "I thought you thought we were going to Petsmart." Martina said flatly.

"I did?" Gourry wondered.

"Please, can't we go to one more house?" Gaav pleaded.

"But everyone's kicked us out so far and the snow's getting in my boots!" Lina whined. "I say we all should go back and have some nice hot chocolate!"

"Sounds like a plan." Filia agreed.

"Back where ERIS is there waiting for me?" Kopii cried and shuddered.

"Filia," Xellos argued, hovering upside-down just inches from Filia's face, "It isn't fair to those of us who WANT to sing if you go home now…"

Filia went to whack him in the face, but he vanished into thin air before she could even grab her mace. "Okay." She reluctantly agreed. "We'll go to ONE more house…but just one!"

Zangulus, Gourry, Martina, Valgaav, Gaav, Kopii, and Xellos cheered. Everyone else sighed. They made their way to the last house on the block and Filia exasperatedly rang the doorbell. "Oh! Carolers!" The little old lady who answered the door exclaimed when the group started singing (and Gourry started asking where the kitty litter was). "You all sound lovely…so many different melodies!" The old lady exclaimed. "Would you like to come in for some banana bread and apple cider?"

Lina's eyes got all shiny. "FOOOOOOOD!" She cried as she stampeded into the house. The others followed her inside and they all had apple cider and banana bread by the fireplace.

When they arrived back at Filia's, Phil said, "Now wasn't that worthwhile?"

"Yeah Daddy!" Amelia exclaimed, "That lady sure did have a lot of Christmas spirit!"

"I guess it was worth it after all…" Filia admitted. Then she stopped dead in her tracks. "Hey…where'd my changepurse go?"

"That's funny…my wallet's gone too!" Gaav muttered.

"That old hag went and took all our money!" Lina cried.

The Slayers characters ran back out the door and into the snow.

Hope y'all liked that bit there. Maybe I'll post more stuff. Merry Christmas!


	13. Who's that Guy Sleeping in the Bathroom?

Chapter 13: "Who's that Guy Sleeping in the Bathroom?"

After the police had successfully apprehended and arrested the old lady and returned everyone's money (including Martina's, which had been jumbled into the mix as well), the group walked back to Filia's house. "Thank god that's over…" Filia muttered as she walked into the kitchen.

"Three hours until Christmas!" Amelia announced to the party.

The rest of the guests grumbled something along the lines of, "We know…" and scattered throughout the house. Only Martina, who had forgiven Amelia for "stealing her money and Zomulgustar idol," shared in the excitement.

"Only three more hours until Zangy-Wangy and I get to ring in the holiday with a romantic, passionate kiss under a velvety, startlit sky…" She fantasized, despite the fact that the snowstorm by this point had developed into a small blizzard and the stars were all covered by clouds.

Lina, ecstatic at having gotten away with stealing and spending Martina's money, was busy shaking presents under the tree again, despite what happened the last time she tried that. "This one's from Phil and Amelia…" She deducted after reading the "to/from" label. "With all the money they've got, they'd BETTER have bought me a decent present…"

"AHEM!" Someone behind Lina said. The sorceress turned around to find Filia towering over her with a piercing glare. "No tampering with the gifts!"

"But I was only…"

"I still haven't forgiven you for that dragon cuisine thing, you know!" Filia interrupted. "Now put that back! You can open your presents with everyone else in a few hours!"

"Gee, someone's a little cranky…" Lina mumbled under her breath as she walked off.

The old Christmas special Eris had been watching at the moment had just ended, and after flipping through the 900-plus channels and finding nothing good on, Rezo's leech…uh…faithful apprentice…decided to help herself to some hot chocolate in the kitchen. On her way over, however, she bumped smack into Kopii. "Oh!" She said, blushing, "You're finally awake?"

"Huh?" Kopii wondered, "What are you talking about? I've BEEN awake all day!"

"I could've sworn I spent nearly a half an hour dragging you through the house 'cause you'd been knocked out!" Eris replied. "Oh well, I guess I must've imagined it!" She walked off, leaving Kopii there, confused at all heck.

"What was that all about?" He asked Gourry, who happened to be walking past him at the moment.

"I dunno." Gourry said as he walked towards the kitchen doorway. However, before he could get into the room for his "post-dinner-pre-dessert snack," Xellos flew at him from out of nowhere.

"Oh hi Xellos!" Gourry said, grinning. "Do you want to raid Filia's fridge too?"

Xellos, however, didn't stop to chat and gave him one heck of a kiss. "Hey, what the…what's going on?" Gourry cried, gasping for air. "Xellos, you aren't even a girl!"

"But Gourry, it appears we're standing under a mistletoe!" Xellos said. "When two people stand under the mistletoe, they HAVE to kiss…" Xellos continued to try and make out with Gourry while the swordsman tried hopelessly to understand what Xellos had just said.

At that moment, Sylphiel decided to walk past the two. She blanched and cried, "Gourry dear, I thought you were in love with ME!"

Zelgadis, who had been leaning against a wall and watching the whole time, casually sipped his coffee and shook his head. "We knew about Xellos, but GOURRY? I mean, they ARE standing under the mistletoe and all, but do they have to kiss for three minutes?"

Sylphiel started bawling and ran to the downstairs bathroom to cry her eyes out. Unfortunately, the place was occupied already.

"CAN'T ANYBODY TAKE A CRAP IN PEACE AROUND HERE?" Gaav yelled from the other side of the door. He obviously hadn't gotten all of Lina's pie out of his system yet.

"BUT IT'S…IT'S…AN EMERGENCY!" Sylphiel wailed.

"SHADDUP!" Gaav snapped, "THERE'S A BATHROOM UPSTAIRS, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!"

Sylphiel headed upstairs and made her way to the bathroom, where she sobbed in hysterics for what seemed (to her at least) like hours.

Back downstairs, Gourry, having completely forgotten about being romantically kissed by Xellos under the mistletoe, said to himself, "Gee, I wonder what happened to Sylphiel? Maybe I should go look for her." He ran into the living room and opened up Filia's CD player. "SYLPHIEL ARE YOU IN THERE?" He yelled into the machine.

"What are you doing?" Lina cried in exasperation, walking over to where her protector was busily yelling at the CD player.

"I can't find Sylphiel!" Gourry exclaimed, "Do you think she's in the microwave?"

Lina sweatdropped and replied, "She's probably still crying because you and Xellos made out in the kitchen doorway fifteen minutes ago."

"I made out with Xellos?" Gourry questioned. "But isn't he a boy?"

"Yes…and now everyone at the party thinks you're gay."

"What's gay mean?"

"FORGET ABOUT IT!" Lina cried. "Now go upstairs and tell Sylphiel you don't like Xellos before she floods the entire house!" She shoved Gourry into the hall and towards the stairs, and he ran up to the second floor. The swordsman stopped in front of the bathroom door, looked at it like an idiot for a while, and then went inside.

"Sylphiel?" Gourry called.

"WHAT?" Sylphiel choked between tears, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Gourry stood there trying to remember what it was he was supposed to do, but he couldn't quite think of it…at least not before he noticed that Rezo was still knocked out and lying in the oversized Jacuzzi. "Who's that guy over there and why is he sleeping in Filia's bathtub?" He asked, pointing at Rezo.

Sylphiel stopped crying at once. "Oh no!" She gasped. "That's the great sage Rezo the Red Priest…Filia must have just hit him on the head with her mace (though I'm pretty sure all the knocked-out guests are supposed to be in Filia's room). I must heal him at once!" She exclaimed as she began to use her white magic.

Gourry watched Sylphiel heal Rezo for all of five seconds. "I'm bored." He declared. "Maybe I'll take a bath." He turned on the Jacuzzi's faucet.

"GAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Rezo sputtered, jumping up. "COLD!" He went to step out of the Jacuzzi, but instead his feet got all tangled up in his robes and he tripped over the side of the tub, landing face-first on the tile floor.

"Gourry dear, look what you've done!" Sylphiel scolded.

Rezo got up. "Where am I? What…happened?" He asked, dramatically pausing in the middle of his sentence for emphasis as the camera zoomed in on his ear. He shoved the camera out of the way again. "Where's my staff?"

"Staff?" Gourry asked.

"You're in Filia's bathroom." Sylphiel told him.

"Bathroom? That means…I MADE IT INSIDE! I got into the party!" Rezo started to laugh maniacally.

"But you've been here for hours!" Sylphiel protested. "Now get back downstairs so I can cry in hysterics in peace!"

Rezo shrugged and made his way out of the bathroom, and Gourry looked over at Sylphiel and said, "Hey! I have an idea! Let's go to Raymore and Flannigan's and get something to eat!"

In the living room, Phibrizzo, having just broken free of all that rope and duct tape, was running around smashing everything that looked breakable. Prince Phil eyed him from across the room. "I have to teach that boy a little discipline." He said to Amelia, who nodded in agreement.

"Yeah Daddy!" She said enthusiastically, her eyes shiny with admiration. "Let's give him JUSTICE speech number 64!"

Phibrizzo chucked a paperweight at Filia's china closet. He laughed maniacally as he stomped on one of her Christmas presents, but just as he was about to cause more damage, he found himself being violently and dramatically kicked in the face by Prince Phil and Amelia. "Little boy, Christmas, the season of loving, giving…" Phil began.

"…And JUSTICE…" Amelia added.

"…Is not the time to be smashing priceless pieces of furniture!" Phil finished.

"If you continue to behave in this un-JUST manner we will have to send you…TO TIME-OUT!" Amelia announced, posing.

Phibrizzo sweatdropped. "Time-Out?" He repeated in disbelief. "What do I look like, a little kid or something?"

"If you fail to comply, we shall bring forth upon you the wrath of JUSTICE!" Amelia and Phil dramatically chorused in unison.

"That's it; I've had it with you two freaks!" Phibrizzo snapped, reaching into his pocket and pulling out two golden spheres. "Prepare to meet your eternal doom!" He smashed the spheres in his hands…and began to cry like a four-year-old. "WAAAAAA! I CUT MYSELF!" He whined.

Phil and Amelia, who were still very much alive, rushed to his aid. "I'd better get those glass shards out of your hand before it gets infected!" Amelia cried. "Daddy, where are the tweezers of JUSTICE?"

"What the #$#?" Phibrizzo wailed, "You're supposed to drop dead! What's wrong with these life spheres?"

"Okay!" Filia cried angrily as she stormed into the living room. "Who stole all the gold ornaments off the tree?"

"Uh-oh…" Phibrizzo muttered as Phil put a Sesame Street band-aid on his cut-up hand. Filia took one look at the boy and the golden shards all over her oriental rug, and thus the most ruthless Mazoku in Slayers Next was forced to spend the next two hours standing in the corner facing the wall.


	14. Xellos and the Mistletoe

Let's give a round of applause for my latest fan, cyberimp6! Take your cookie, and keep reading this thing, please. I've been out of commission far too long. You know, writer's block. That evil thing people get when they're writing an awesome fanfic and then write themselves into a corner. I hate it when that happens. In fact, chapter 15 hasn't even been written yet. I think I'll get to work…

Chapter 14: Xellos and the Mistletoe

Zelgadis took another sip of his seemingly endless cup of coffee and fidgeted a bit. He had been standing against the living room wall for the last half hour intensely watching Xellos. The Mazoku had been hovering conspicuously near the kitchen doorway ever since he kissed Gourry. "HEY ZEL-CHAN!" Kopii yelled in the chimera's ear, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Zelgadis flinched at the sound and replied, "And to think, you still wonder why we don't get along…what is it, Rezo?"

"Nothing." Kopii said grinning. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't…uh…getting into trouble!"

"I bet you were looking for Richard Simmons tapes." Zelgadis said slyly.

Kopii gulped, sweating a little, and stammered, "W-why would I want a bunch of stupid exercise videos?"

"I don't know…maybe you could give them to Kopii since he wasn't invited." Zelgadis said. "Say, could you go into the kitchen and get me some water? I'm parched from all that caroling, and this coffee just doesn't seem to quench my thirst."

"Sure." Kopii replied as he turned…and walked right into the wall next to the kitchen door. "#$#!" He thought to himself. "Walking around with your eyes closed is a heck of a lot harder than Rezo makes it seem!"

Eris ran over to Kopii and cried, "Rezo! Are you all right? Where does it hurt?"

Kopii started bawling and pointed to his forehead, where a large bump was starting to swell up under his headband.

"Want me to kiss it and make it all better?" Eris offered.

"HECK NO!" Kopii exclaimed in disgust.

"It's weird though…you NEVER ran into any walls before." Eris said. "I know what's wrong! You're really…"

Kopii sweatdropped. "No I'm not I'm REZO, I swear!" He said, trying to cover up his slip-up.

"I know that!" Eris snapped, "I'm not stupid! You've just had too much sake tonight and you're really drunk again!"

"That must be it…" Kopii replied as he headed into the kitchen…only to be glomped and romantically kissed on the lips by Xellos.

"Hey no fair _I_ wanted to kiss Rezo under the mistletoe!" Eris complained.

Zelgadis grinned. "So Xellos is standing there so he can make out with every guy here under the mistletoe." He deducted. "Figures…" He watched intently as Xellos returned to his spot.

Eris decided to stalk Kopii and followed him into the kitchen. "Hey Rez…" she started. However, she couldn't finish her sentence because Xellos was too busy trying to make out with her under the mistletoe.

Zel watched, gaping in astonishment. "Xellos likes women too?" He said to himself in disbelief. "I'd better do a few experiments before I jump to any conclusions." He left his vantage point and found Filia reading a self-help book entitled, So your Christmas Party has been Overrun by Mazoku.

"Hey Filia," Zelgadis said, "Shouldn't you put some cookies out on the coffee table before the guests get too hungry?"

"It HAS been a while since dinner," Filia remarked. "That's a great idea! I'm pretty sure I had some cookies in the kitchen cupboard…" She walked towards the kitchen. "Want me to get you anything while I'm there?"

"No thanks." Zel replied, watching Xellos, who was lurking in the shadows. He could hardly suppress his laughter as Xellos started kissing Filia as though she were the love of his life.

Filia, however, turned green with disgust. "NAMAGOMI!" She cried, brandishing her mace and lunging at the Mazoku. Unfortunately Xellos teleported away, and instead of bashing him in the face, Filia had completely wrecked her new CD player. "Ack!" She cried, ignoring the damage and running into the kitchen. "I'VE GOT MAZOKU GERMS!" She ran over to the sink, grabbed a bar of soap, and stuck it in her mouth, desperately trying to scrub away any traces of Xellos's icky spit.

"Filia!" Eris cried in horror as Filia washed her mouth out with soap. "Stop that right now! I just saw this show on TV where this little boy had to wash his mouth out with soap and he went blind from soap poisoning, and after that he shot his eye out with a BB gun!" She grabbed the bar of soap and started rinsing it off.

"Eris, old Christmas specials are NOT the best sources of accurate scientific information!" Filia scolded, wresting the bar of soap out of Eris's death-grip. "Besides, that's not even what happened in that show, and even if I _do_ get soap poisoning and go blind Rezo can heal me anyway!" She stuck the soap back in her mouth and sat down, crossing her arms and scowling as best she could.

"He even kissed FILIA?" Zelgadis muttered in astonishment. "Hmm…well then, let's see just how far he'll take this mistletoe thing…" HE grabbed a potted cactus and carried it over to the kitchen, then nudged it under the doorway with his feet.

Xellos leapt on the potted plant and started kissing it like there was no tomorrow, despite all the needles that were getting stuck in his face. Zelgadis rolled on the floor with laughter.

"Gee, I've never seen Zelgadis this happy since…well, I've NEVER seen Zelgadis this happy!" Lina commented from across the room.

"I bet someone spiked his coffee." Martina added.

After shoving a moldy sandwich, a vacuum cleaner, and one of Rezo's dirty socks under the doorway only to witness Zel make out with all three, Zelgadis decided it was time to resort to drastic measures. He walked into Filia's den, where Prince Phil and Gaav were arguing about the importance of JUSTICE in one's everyday life.

"Hey Gaav! Phil!" Zelgadis managed to utter, hiccupping as tears rolled down his cheeks. "There's something in the kitchen I think you should see!"

"Is it the Spice Girls?" Gaav asked, grinning.

"No." Zelgadis replied, "They broke up years ago."

"Then I'm not going!"

"Okay, okay, it's the Spice Girls!" Zel said, slapping his forehead in exasperation. "They want to go caroling with you!"

Phil and Gaav ran to the kitchen (Phil was ecstatic at the mention of the word, "caroling.") Xellos, as predicted, jumped out at them the second they stepped under the mistletoe…and jumped back in disgust, his face bone-white. "Ewwww! I'm not kissing YOU!" He cried, teleporting off. Gaav and Phil burst in to tears.

"THAT GUY HURT MY FEELINGS!" Phil bawled.

"HE'S SO INSENSITIVE!" Gaav cried.

Lina walked over to Zelgadis with Martina trailing close behind. "Gee, you must be having fun…" Lina muttered.

"I've finally figured it out!" Zelgadis cried in exultation. "Xellos isn't gay; he just likes kissing people!" And with that, he ran around the room insanely, laughing like a maniac. Unfortunately, he didn't realize where he was going and ran straight through the kitchen door. The chimera soon found himself being glomped and kissed by none other that Xellos Metallium. He managed to break free of Xellos's death grip and kept running around like he was nuts.

"Yep," Martina told Lina, "Someone DEFINITELY spiked his coffee…"

Hope this kissing-filled chapter served all you people well. Back to the drawing board…


	15. The Start of Something Disgusting

Okay then, to celebrate the first chapter I've actually sat down and written in two years (with considerable help from Silver-dono), I'd like to thank and acknowledge everyone who's bothered to read this thing, whether they left their mark on my review page or not, in a nice, generic fashion. Seriously, it's people like you who keep this story alive and kicking after all this stagnation. You have my eternal gratitude. Again, anything that looks like someone else's property probably is, so don't sue.

LET THE CHRISTMASNESS COMMENCE ONCE AGAIN!

Chapter 15: The Start of Something Disgusting

Filia gargled for the eleventh time after taking down the last of the mistletoe and sealing it up for good in a somewhat-impenetrable cardboard box with what looked like about three rolls of duct tape. "It's only been four hours since this party began and those Mazoku have already cost me seven thousand gold pieces in damage!" She muttered after spitting the mouthwash into the downstairs bathroom sink. "Not to mention Xellos has now left me traumatized for life…" She shuddered, rinsed out the sink, and left the room. Rezo (the real one) was sitting on a bench in the hallway.

"Gee, you look dazed and confused." Filia remarked. "You didn't drink any of the coffee, did you?"

"Actually, I can't find my staff." Rezo said in a barely audible voice as the camera zoomed in on his left eyebrow. "You haven't seen it anywhere…have you?"

Filia smacked the cameraman with her mace and the view returned to normal once again. "That's weird. I could have sworn you had it with you a few seconds ago, when you were hovering suspiciously close to my video cabinet." She told the somewhat disgruntled priest.

"I think it's outside somewhere…" Rezo replied, mentally cursing Kopii and recalling his first encounter with Filia that night. "I remember being outside, and then waking up in the bathroom without my staff, and…"

"Too much information!" Filia interrupted, not wishing to hear the rest of THAT story. "I'll check outside anyway though…" She darted out the front door to look for the staff, which found (and by "found" I mean "tripped over") it right away. After brushing the snow off her face, clothes, and whatnot, she grabbed the staff and headed back into the house.

"Just my luck…" Filia mumbled as she returned to the bench. "He's run off already."

Meanwhile, Lina was sitting at the kitchen table, obviously deep in thought. Amelia, having finally finished every justice speech in her repertoire, walked up to her and asked, "Miss Lina, what's wrong?"

"I just don't GET it…" she muttered. "WHAT THE $# IS FIGGY PUDDING!" She fireballed the fichus and geraniums lined up on Filia's kitchen windowsill in disgust and frustration. "I always thought I knew every food in the tri-kingdom area!"

"You're STILL thinking about that figgy pudding?" Amelia asked innocently. "Wasn't that a few chapters ago?"

Lina ignored her and continued, "The closest thing I can think of are Fig Newtons, and those are nasty!" She sighed and pulled a package of Fig Newtons out of Filia's kitchen cabinet. "Besides, scooping out the filling and making pudding out of it would take effort, and I don't have the time or energy for that."

Amelia smiled and exclaimed, "Well Miss Lina, some puddings have bread in them…maybe if we just dump the whole cookie in with the pudding mix it'll be just scrum-diddly-umptious!"

"Amelia, is that even a word?" Lina asked, glaring at the overly-hyper princess.

"It's a very JUST word." Amelia replied as she got out the blender.

Back upstairs in the bathroom, Sylphiel stared at Gourry in disbelief. "What was that you just said, Gourry Dear?" She demanded in a very un-Sylphiel-like fashion, gazing into the swordsman's eyes.

"I only asked you if you wanted to go to Raymore and Flannigan's to get something to eat," Gourry answered.

"DID YOU JUST ASK ME OUT ON A DATE?" Sylphiel exclaimed, little hearts beginning to materialize out of thin air around her head, her eyes suddenly glazing over in true shojo fashion.

"Do you eat?" Gourry asked, not even kidding and completely unaware of anything Sylphiel was thinking at the time.

"Yes…" Sylphiel dreamily answered.

"Then it's a date." Gourry shrugged. "Can I borrow your car?"

"Gourry Dear, when did you get your driver's license?" Sylphiel asked, momentarily snapping out of her lovestruck stupor.

"Just this afternoon!" Gourry boasted, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a Pokemon card with his picture taped to the box where Magikarp's picture should have been. He triumphantly held it in front of Sylphiel's face. "Check it out!"

Sylphiel stared blankly at Gourry. "That's a Pokemon card with your picture taped to it." She looked closer and added, "Why did you draw a mustache on yourself? You don't even have one."

Gourry shrugged and cheerfully replied, "I like hair!"

"Maybe I should drive there instead…" Sylphiel suggested. "Since the car I borrowed from Eris is totaled, I could borrow Filia's…"

"Nonsense!" Gourry cut her off. "I'm gonna show you that I'm a big kid now, and I can drive a big kid car, not the little red plastic one with Elmo on the steering wheel that really talks when you press the gas pedal and plays the Sesame Street theme song…that one IS pretty cool though…"

"Oh Gourry Dear…what a man…" Sylphiel mused to herself as she clung to him, obviously neglecting any iota of common sense left in her mind as well as the fact that by letting Gourry drive, she'd be unleashing a monster upon herself and the rest of society as everybody knew it.

"A man? Where?" Gourry exclaimed, looking around. "Can't we get any privacy in here? It's a bathroom, for god's sake!"

Speaking of bathrooms, Gaav finally finished running back and forth to the downstairs bathroom due to the effects of the laxative pie. He heaved a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind him for what was hopefully the last time that night. What he didn't know was that he'd clogged Filia's toilet beyond repair, and there was a huge mound of toilet paper spilling over the sides of the bowl. The whole toilet began to convulse in the dark, empty bathroom, conjuring up images of hell on earth as streams of brown water gushed forth from every pipe connection, crack, and crevasse in the toilet, soaking the room and spraying all over Filia's toothbrush. Ignorant to this dilemma, the Demon Dragon King slipped off into the living room. It wasn't his problem, after all.

"Geez, why'd those laxatives affect ME so much worse than anyone else here?" He said to no one in particular.

Just then, out of nowhere, Valgaav pounced on Gaav and exclaimed, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LORD GAAV, THE DEMON DRAGON KING! EVERYTHING WORKS BETTER FOR YOU!"

"That doesn't even make any sense." Gaav replied, as Valgaav ignored him whilst simultaneously snuggling against his hero.

Filia walked back into the hall carrying Rezo's staff. She glanced at the clock. "Only two and a half hours until this nightmare ends!" She thought to herself as Gourry and Sylphiel skipped merrily past her.

"Hey, where are YOU two going? The party's not over yet!" Filia demanded, though the thought of getting Gourry out of the house and nullifying some of the stupidity that was rampantly infesting the place did cross her mind.

Sylphiel only replied dreamily, "We're going on the romantic adventure of a lifetime!" as they hurried out the door, past the smoldering wreckage of Eris's cars and a knocked-down mailbox to where Filia had parked HER car. Filia sighed, shrugged, and went back to looking for Rezo. Then she stopped dead in her tracks.

"WAITAMINUTE!" She shouted, barreling out the door, staff still in hand. "GOURRY'S DRIVING MY CAR! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

To Be Continued


	16. The Next Spice Girl Generation

How is it that I only really update this when it's NOT Christmas? Have I been over this before? Oh well. Cookies for everyone!

P.S. NOTHING'S MINE, including the Spice Girls.

Chapter 16: The Next Spice Girl Generation

Gaav had finally managed to pry Valgaav off his leg and pulled his trusty spare Spice Girls CD out of his trench coat pocket. "Now it's time to put on some REAL music and get this party jumpin'!" He sauntered over to the CD player and gasped.

The machine was completely and utterly destroyed. "FILIA!!!" Gaav shouted. The sound echoed throughout the house and the whole place fell dead silent. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF L-SAMA HAPPENED TO YOUR CD PLAYER?!"

Filia wandered into the room. "Oh, that. I accidentally smashed it to smithereens after a certain NAMAGOMI tried to swap spit with me…" she said through clenched teeth. "Just thinking about the memory of that incident makes me want to go brush my teeth." She stormed to the downstairs bathroom, where the smelly brown water was starting to seep out the bottom of the door.

Filia's left eye started to twitch. "Do I even dare open this door?" She asked no one in particular. Unfortunately, the mere thought of her fateful liplock with Xellos Metallium drove her to venture inside in search of her toothbrush. She turned the doorknob and flung the portal open. A mall of dirty brown diarrhea water rose to meet her, shoving her through to the other side of the hall and plastering her to the wall, knocking her unconscious and the oversized jingly staff out of her hand, into the flood of poop.

It was at that moment that Zangulus walked by. He took one look at the mess and exclaimed, "Finally! A task worthy of my prowess!" He whipped out dual plungers from under his coat. "Not even Gourry Gabriev can clean up a mess this vile!"

Eris, meanwhile, glanced at Martina in the next room, having witnessed the whole event from a safe distance. "Since when did Zangulus plunge toilets?"

"Oh, he's AMAZING at it!" Martina gushed. "Ever wonder why I call him 'Zangy-Poo?'"

Within seconds, Filia's downstairs looked and smelled impeccable. "This area is as spick-and-span as a gas station would not be!" Filia exclaimed, smiling and not realizing that her simile made no sense whatsoever.

"All I ask in return is for another bag of cheesy poofs." Zangulus replied with a bow as Filia shoved him back into the living room.

"Whatever, just get out of here so I can take a nice, long, hot shower, okay?" Filia sighed. After Zangulus was out of the way, she darted back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Lina crammed the whole box of Fig Newtons into Filia's blender, packaging and all. "How's the pudding coming along?" She asked Amelia, who was boiling water on the stove.

"Well, the only thing in the cabinet was a box of the Incredible Hulk Brand tapioca pudding," Amelia replied hesitantly.

"That'll work." Lina shrugged, pressing the 'liquefy' button. A sickening crunch reminiscent of the sound a trash compactor makes when it crushes a crate filled with year-old canned ham and dog biscuits rang through the air, mingling with the Christmas songs blaring on the handheld radio in the kitchen and Eris's crappy TV specials, which could be heard from the next room.

Amelia cringed as she dumped the box of green tapioca pudding into the water, stirring as directed. If green had a flavor, it would taste like that pudding. "MISS LINA, WHY ON EARTH IS MR. BLENDER MAKING SUCH AN UN-JUST NOISE?" She shouted as politely and justly as she could.

"I'M MAKING THE FIG PART OF THE PUDDING!" Lina hollered back over the infernal cacophony.

"OH!" Amelia answered. "ARE YOU SURE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IT IN THE PACKAGING?"

"AGAIN, TAKING IT OUT WOULD REQUIRE EFFORT!" Lina yelled. "BESIDES, EVERYONE NEEDS A LITTLE FIBER IN THEIR DAILY DIET!" She switched off the blender. "Say, figgy pudding's supposed to be sweet, right?" She asked.

"I think…" Amelia shrugged, still stirring the mix.

"Find me some sugar so I can dump it into the blender with the rest of this stuff." Lina ordered.

"Okay!" Amelia chimed, leaving the green goo to boil as she bounded over to the cabinet.

Back in the living room, Gaav walked up to Prince Phil, who was trying to write yet another speech about you-know-what. "Phil! Buddy!" Gaav exclaimed, clapping a hand on the hairy prince's shoulder. "You and I need to have a nice long chat, from one universally despised Slayers character to another, a real man-to-man, one-on-one talk, eh?"

Phil muttered, "Do I have a choice?"

Gaav paid no attention. "This party is so boring. Every time I try to cause a little mayhem, I get yelled at." Gaav said with a grin. "Wouldn't you agree? Anyway, it's so boring, there isn't even any music save for that crappy radio in the kitchen. Filia's CD player is completely busted!"

"Where are you going with this?" Phil questioned suspiciously.

"You and I and three other Slayers characters with nothing better to do are going to raid Filia's closet, dress up like the Spice Girls, and put on a Spice Girls Reunion Concert." Gaav stated flatly.

"A what? Who?" Phil uttered, confused.

"You know, the Spice Girls? You can be…uh…Ginger!" Gaav tried to explain.

"Not the generic store brand, I hope…" Phil replied, scowling and still not quite getting it.

"Of course not." Gaav replied, not quite understanding what he meant by that. "Rock Boy's pretty drunk right now, so see if you can convince him to meet me in Filia's room to rehearse. I'll go see if I can recruit the fruitcake." He said as an afterthought, glancing at Xellos, who was hovering in the air somewhere by the Christmas tree.

Miles away, Gourry and Sylphiel had deftly maneuvered the car directly into a "Handicapped Parking Only" sign. This caused the car to fall apart. The debris took up five spaces. Gourry and Sylphiel, amazingly enough, were still strapped into their seats, unscathed.

"Thank goodness we remembered our safety belts!" Sylphiel replied, after some prodding from the resident National Traffic Safety Administration representative. After collecting the rather generous tip from the nice man in the plain, boring suit, the two lovebirds linked arms and skipped merrily into Raymore and Flannigan's.

As Gourry and Sylphiel dreamily strode through the living room section, they bumped into a young store clerk with acne so horrendous that it partially obscured his facial features. "Who the heck comes to Raymore and Flannigan's at 10:00 at night on Christmas Eve?" The zit-faced boy shouted at Gourry and Sylphiel. "It's thanks to idiots like you that I got stuck working this crummy shift in the first place instead of crashing some random stranger's Christmas party!"

"We'd like a table for two, please." Gourry said, holding up two fingers, insinuating that he didn't expect the clerk to be able to count.

"I suppose any of our tables could seat two people," The clerk remarked. "If you'll follow me, there's a small model in the back that's nice and intimate. I assume this is the table you're going to be eating meals at, correct?"

"Wow, you're a lot dumber than you look." Gourry muttered under his breath as they walked past sofas, lamps, and futons.

"Here we are." The young man announced, stopping near a square table near the back of the store. "This handsome table is crafted from the finest mahogany and costs 599 US dollars." He grabbed a calculator out of his apron and started adding up figures. "You could also opt for a plan that lets you pay up to fifty dollars a month plus seven percent interest."

"Wow, this place sure isn't cheap." Sylphiel whispered to Gourry. "Gourry Dear, maybe we should try Burger King instead..."

"Nonsense!" Gourry exclaimed confidently. "Though it is somewhat odd...sir, there aren't any chairs to go with this table."

"We're temporarily out of stock of our matching chair set." The clerk mindlessly regurgitated like a machine.

"We have to sit down, you know." Sylphiel pressed.

"I suppose if I call in for a special order you should have them in two to three weeks." The clerk replied.

"Two to three WEEKS?" Gourry shouted. "I got my driver's license in less time than that!"

"Look," Sylphiel uncharacteristically exclaimed through clenched teeth, grabbing the greasy teenager by the collar. "I've been waiting WAY too long to go on a date with Gourry Dear. So when I say I want chairs, you'll GIVE me CHAIRS!"

Several moments later, Sylphiel and Gourry found themselves illustriously seated in a luxury massage chair that wouldn't stop vibrating and a fuzzy sage green chair with obnoxiously ugly hot pink and brown polka dots. The latter could rightfully be described as the ugliest chair known to mankind.

"Isn't this wonderful, Gourry Dear?" Sylphiel asked as Gourry looked through the catalogue, trying to find an appetizer for under forty dollars.

To Be Continued


	17. Mystery of the Missing Staff

Have a cookie, Ame.chan, and thanks for the review! Sorry if it's a little stale. It's been a long week.

Chapter 17: Mystery of the Missing Staff

Zangulus, having finished the cleaning job, twirled around Rezo's oversized, jingling staff, which he found half-submerged in the flood of diarrhea. "Man, this sure is one obnoxiously annoying and ugly staff. You'd have to be blind to want to go out in public with this thing." He smirked, as Martina mindlessly drooled over his every word, as usual.

"Oh Zangy-Poo, you sure know how to wield obscenely huge weapons," she gushed.

"That's IT!" Zangulus exclaimed. "I can use my loud, jingling staff-twirling talents in a duel with Gourry Gabriev! That way, I can prove once and for all that I am the superior swordsman!"

Martina fangirlishly squealed, "Oh Zangy-Poo! You're so powerful!"

* * *

Lina and Amelia were in the midst of pouring their vile concoction into a plexiglass bowl. "Oh boy! I can't wait to dig in and find out what all the hype is about that figgy pudding!" Lina announced to the world.

"I don't know, Miss Lina." Amelia hesitated. "There are still shards of plastic in that stuff..." As if on cue, a sickeningly gross air bubble floated to the surface of the goo and popped, flinging the abrasive green muck onto the princess's nose. "This pudding just isn't JUST enough for human consumption!"

"Amelia, I've come this far, and I am NOT going to leave this building without first trying my figgy pudding!" Lina insisted.

"Maybe we should test it on somebody else first." Amelia suggested. "That way we can accurately determine if the pudding is JUST...I mean...EDIBLE!"

"Well, I haven't seen Gourry in a while." Lina remarked. "Gaav and your dad are off plotting something, Zel's too drunk, Eris is busy watching TV, Phibrizzo doesn't get out of time out for another hour...who could we possibly force to taste-test it?" She nearly shouted.

It was at that unfortunate moment that Rezo stumbled aimlessly into the room. "What is that unearthly stench?" He asked as the camera zoomed in on his big toe.

"Figgy pudding!" Lina exclaimed. "Wanna try some?"

Rezo paused dramatically before replying, "That seems to be of slightly better quality than Eris's cooking."

"See, he said it was good! Let's eat it!" Lina told Amelia.

"Lina, he didn't even take a bite himself." Amelia pointed out as swirling fog began to accumulate around the Red Priest.

"Darn. The fog machine's acting up again." Rezo muttered. "I think I'll pass on the figgy pudding." He turned to leave, but Lina clamped a hand on his shoulder, which was a good foot or so above her head.

"Rezo, if you leave without trying the pudding, I'm going to tell Eris her Christmas present from you is an engagement ring." She threatened.

The color immediately drained from Rezo's face. The only thing worse than being a slave to the Dark Lord Shabranigdo for his entire life was being to forced to spend a blissful eternity in wedlock with his airheaded student. "Anything but that!" Rezo nearly shouted as the fog machine backpack he'd been hiding under his cape started to emit strange, rumbling noises. He snatched the bowl from Amelia and shoveled a heaping spoonful of the substance into his mouth.

Less than a minute later, he was making a mad dash for the downstairs bathroom, leaving a trail of artificial fog behind him.

As he flung open the bathroom door, Filia was just stepping out of the shower, clad only in a towel. Rezo, however, didn't notice anything until the dragon whipped out her mace and shouted, "NAMAGOM...er, sorry, automatic response." Completely neglecting that Rezo was blind, she corrected herself.

"PERVERT!!!" She shouted even louder, bludgeoning Rezo straight through the wall, into the mailbox in the next yard. As the artificial fog continued to pour out of his robes, a snowplow plowed the mailbox away, and the priest went along with it.

* * *

As Prince Philionel hauled Zelgadis upstairs, Gaav was trying to convince Xellos to become one of "the Spice Girls."

"And you're POSITIVE I get to wear the little Gucci dress like in the movie?" Xellos asked for the eighteenth time.

"YES, YES, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRISTMAS YES!" Gaav exclaimed.

"Are you SURE?" Xellos questioned again.

"If you don't stop mocking me, you WON'T get to wear the little Gucci dress. Now get upstairs! I have to go find somebody fairly athletic to go play Sporty Spice." Gaav grumbled as he scanned the living room.

"Hmmm...too lovey-dovey…" He thought as he watched Zangulus and Martina mess around with Rezo's staff.

"Too lazy…" He observed as he watched Eris flip the channel to the Dr. Phil Christmas Special.

"Too…heeey, what's that giggling noise coming from the den?" Gaav wondered, noticing a large lump underneath the shag rug in the room. He walked over and pulled the rug up to reveal what he thought was Rezo, holding a flashlight, his nose in a Richard Simmons self-help book entitled "From Fat to Fit in Four Days Flat!" "REZO! Are you READING that Richard Simmons book?" He questioned.

Kopii quickly shut his eyes, chucked the flashlight in a corner, and shut the book. "Of course not, I can't read...er...I'm a Cyclops...I mean, I have no eyeballs...I mean, I'm blind! That's it, I'm blind!" He exclaimed triumphantly.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Gaav flatly muttered.

"I just really like the smell of the crease." Kopii stammered.

Gaav skeptically raised an eyebrow.

"...a LOT."

"Okaaaaay. I'm not going to ask." Gaav replied. "Anyway, do you want to be Sporty Spice in my Spice Girls Reunion Concert?"

"Sporty, huh? That sounds athletic. I could definitely beat...my Kopii...if I got to be Sporty Spice!" He corrected himself in mid-sentence.

"Follow me up to Filia's room, then!" Gaav merrily announced, grabbing Kopii by the arm and hauling him upstairs.

When Kopii and Gaav reached Filia's room, Xellos was already sporting a slinky, black, sparkly dress. "Gaav, you little sneak! This dress is NOT Gucci! It's just a cheap knockoff Filia got at a yard sale!"

"How would YOU know where Filia got that dress?" Gaav pressed.

"Now thaaaaat's a secret," Xellos replied, shiftily closing one eye and waggling his finger. "But still! I can't be Posh Spice if I'm not wearing a little Gucci dress!"

"Suck it up!" Phil retorted. He was sitting in the corner with a huge sheet of white fabric, doing something that looked like sewing.

"Hey Phil, why's Zelga-whatsisface sleeping on the job?" Gaav asked, pointing at the chimera, who was practically dead on Filia's bed.

"I asked him if he wanted to be Baby Spice, and he passed out. I took that as a yes and dragged him here." Phil reported. "I think somebody must've spiked his coffee. Now could you leave me alone so I can finish making my costume?"

Gaav sighed. "You aren't even going to try and help me pick out his outfit, are you?"

Kopii, meanwhile, had already found his costume. He burst out of the master bathroom wearing a muscle shirt and a pair of swishy track pants. He actually looked like a male version of Sporty Spice with his hair pulled back. To top it off, he swapped his typical headband for a terrycloth substitute that had been drenched in sweat countless times and probably hadn't been washed in ages.

Naturally, when he made his entrance, he forgot he was supposed to keep his eyes closed.

"I should've known the REAL Rezo wouldn't ever be caught dead SMELLING the crack of a Richard Simmons book." Gaav groaned.

Kopii broke into a cold sweat, adding to the fluid which had already saturated the headband. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease don't tell the REAL Rezo or that weird lady who invited all of us to this party!" Kopii pleaded. "You'll never be able to find another guest here with a six-pack who can be Sporty!"

"It's not me you have to worry about," Gaav reassured him. "It's that OTHER guy with the purple hair, the one who's whining about the little Gucci dress, who you should probably avoid. What's your name, anyway?"

"Kopi...I mean, Richard. Richard Simmons the second." Kopii lied. "I am Richard Simmons' #1 fan, so when they decided to genetically build me from Rezo's DNA, I just named myself after him. Really."

"Okaaaaay...er...Richard..." Gaav hesitantly uttered, mentally questioning Kopii's sanity. "Go find a pair of sporty-looking sunglasses or something." As Kopii rushed over to Filia's accessory box, Xellos tried hopelessly to shove Zelgadis's catatonic form into a cutesy pink tank top. Gaav glanced at the leopard-print bikini top he'd have to wear as Scary and almost had second thoughts about the operation. However, he knew he had to swallow his pride and probably just borrow Filia's razor for the day. "If you're going to imitate the Spice Girls, you have to do it RIGHT." He sighed, grabbing a pair of matching short shorts and heading into the bathroom. "I can only hope Filia's got extra razor blades on hand."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED!!! Bet you didn't see that coming! 


	18. Spice Up Your Life!

First of all, I don't own Slayers, I don't own the Spice Girls, and I don't own any other licensed property appearing in this chapter. Well, except the girl on the pillow and her choice of animal companion, but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. Thanks to all who've read and reviewed so far, and joy to the world!

Chapter 18: Spice Up Your Life!

Gaav and his merry band of lunatics...and Zelgadis...busily got themselves ready for the upcoming concert. Valgaav anxiously paced around outside Filia's room. He'd been hiding behind a potted plant since they'd returned from caroling, spying on the Demon-Dragon king, thoroughly scrutinizing his every movement.

"Ugh! I can't believe Lord Gaav would dare coordinate anything without telling me about it first!" He grumbled. "And I can't believe he even had the nerve to go and lock me out of Filia's room!" Valgaav kicked the door down, causing Xellos, Phil, and Kopii (who was wearing tacky green sunglasses with plastic pieces of sports equipment glued to them) to turn to him and demand to know what he thought he was doing.

"I'm...uh...er...Lord Gaav's personal assistant!" Valgaav exclaimed. "I...uh...do his taxes!"

"That's wonderful!" Phil cheerily exclaimed. "Selflessly doing another man's taxes is the epitome of JUSTICE!"

At the word "JUSTICE," Xellos felt his stomach cramp and lost all his will to raise an argument.

"Where is Lord..." Valgaav began, but trailed off, noticing the trail of red hairs leading into the master bathroom. As he peeked in through the door, he noticed the trail accumulate, forming large piles, the tallest of which came up to his knees. In short, it looked like someone had tried to shave a yak.

"LORD GAAV!" Valgaav cried. "YOU DIDN'T TRY OT SHAVE YOUR CHEST AGAIN, DID YOU?"

"Of course not," Gaav casually replied, perched on the edge of the hot tub. "I used Nair. I broke the razors trying to shave my legs."

"And here I thought that awful stench came from the leftover possum stew from dinner." Valgaav groaned. "That was the nastiest thing I've ever had in my life!"

"I LOVE possum stew!" Gaav replied. "I even made Eris give me that recipe. I wonder if I can substitute Nair for the possum stock..."

"Oh, did I say it was nasty? I really meant it was the greatest meal I've ever had in my life!" Valgaav corrected himself. "I could eat it every day for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, dessert, AND my midnight snack!" He added as he brown-nosed up to his hero.

"Sure you would," Gaav groaned, applying bandages to his razor cuts. He had about a hundred of them running up and down his legs. "You're like the fangirl I never had, Valgaav."

That sent Valgaav over the edge. "OHMIGOD!!!" He squealed. "So does that mean I can help you with your Spice Girls show?"

"Absolutely not." Gaav quickly replied.

Valgaav's eyes suddenly filled to the brim with crocodile tears. "Y-you don't like me at all, do you?"

"That's not it, I just..."

"Lord Gaav..." He uttered, his lower lip trembling.

Gaav stuck a Sesame Street band-aid to his scarred and bleeding leg somewhere in the vicinity of his ankle. "I should've just gone straight for the Nair from the start instead of jamming up all Filia's razors..." He replied, ignoring Valgaav.

-----

Gourry and Sylphiel called the teenager back to the table back at Raymore and Flannigan's. "We've made our decision!" Gourry announced, holding up the store's catalog.

"FINALLY!" The clerk shouted. "I CAN FINALLY GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP!"

Gourry flipped to a page in the children's section and announced, "We'd like to split a strawberry shortcake!" He pointed to a picture of a Strawberry Shortcake pillow.

The clerk picked up his notepad and replied, "Sorry, but due to the holiday rush, we're temporarily out of stock of Strawberry Shortcake and _most_ of her friends."

"I didn't know dessert had friends." Sylphiel whispered to Gourry.

"You learn something new every day." Gourry whispered back.

"All we have left is her college roommate, Broccoli Buttflap and her pet sea cucumber Cheesecake Residue." He held up the catalog, pointing to a mauve pillow next to the pillow Gourry had originally indicated, which depicted a little girl so hideously ugly words could not even begin to describe her. In fact, she was so ugly the pillow was banned in several nearby villages due to causing massive cases of spontaneous vomiting. The girl was holding what looked like a green log in a fishbowl.

"That looks awfully ugly." Gourry remarked.

"That's probably why it's the only pillow left in stock." The clerk hissed through clenched teeth, not wanting to admit that the model the character was based off of happened to be his own sister.

"Well, a lot of ugly foods sometimes taste really good." Sylphiel reasoned. "Plus, it's the only affordable thing here."

"We'll take it!" They announced in unison.

-----

After much deliberation, whining, and complaining on Valgaav's part, the New Spice Girls finally found the blue-haired dragon a suitable job.

"You get to hold up the spotlight!" Xellos announced. "Now where did that mustachioed moron run off to?"

"Phil said he had to get in costume and to go down without him." Kopii explained, still wearing the sunglasses. "He sure worked hard on that thing."

"Great...Ginger's gone and quit right before the concert. Just great." Gaav groaned. "Well, we can put on the show without him, can't we?"

"If he doesn't come back, does that mean I can..."Valgaav began.

"NO!" The four remaining Spice Girls roared. The five of them trudged downstairs and into the foyer, where they'd already cleared a spot to set up the stage. They casually fixed up the area and took their places.

Gaav cleared his throat and said, "Hey, could the other party guests come in here for..." He stopped. "This just isn't working. We need Phil's obnoxiously loud voice to carry throughout the house."

As if on cue, the crown prince of Seiruun dashed down the stairs towards the stage. He was dressed in an excruciatingly accurate, oversized replica of a jar of McCormick brand Ground Ginger.

Gaav almost had a heart attack right there on the stage, before his show could even begin. "Phil, when I told you to be Ginger Spice, I didn't mean for you to take it literally!" He exclaimed.

"Hey, I worked on this costume for hours! I'm wearing it whether you like it or not, for the sake of all that is JUST!" Phil shouted as every muscle in Xellos's body spazzed out for a moment.

"Stop saying that word..." He moaned, his left eye twitching uncontrollably. "Gaav, why are you not affected by this madness?"

"HEY EVERYBODY! GET INTO THE FOYER AND WATCH OUR SPICE GIRLS REHABILITATION TOUR!" Phil shouted, cutting Xellos off.

"_Reunion_ tour." Gaav corrected through clenched teeth, almost on the verge of punching Phil in the face.

"WHAT HE SAID!" Phil shouted as Filia walked into the room.

"M-my foyer..."She muttered. "This is bad. What did you do to my house!?" She demanded, putting her hands on her hips, ready to pull out the mace at any given moment and whack them all senseless lest they did anything unnecessarily stupid.

"We're putting on a concert." Kopii stated matter-of-factly.

Xellos disappeared, popping back into view inches from Filia's face, causing the dragon to recoil in disgust. "My, my, Filia dear, don't be so concerned over something as trivial as this. We're just providing some live entertainment to breathe some life back into the party. That way YOU won't have to, so take a load off..." He snapped his fingers and a chair zoomed in from the living room, knocking Filia off her feet and into it.

"Why Xellos, my formal dress looks so good on you. It really suits you well." Filia replied, forcing a sarcastic smile. "In fact, it looks so good, you can HAVE it, because I am NEVER going to wear it EVER again!" She glanced at Gaav and added, "The same goes for my leopard-print bikini top and matching shorts."

"Now, now, Filia, you have to watch your temper." Xellos taunted. "It's been such a stressful day, and you wouldn't want to get angry for the sake of Christmas!"

"Yeah! For Christmas!" Kopii and Gaav agreed.

"And JUSTICE!" Phil chimed in, causing Xellos to clutch his stomach and double over. That made Filia cheer up a little.

"Well, why not? What harm could one concert do?" She reasoned as the other guests filed into the foyer.

-----

"LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND MAZOKU SCUM..." Phil read off the cue card Filia had hastily scrawled while the group was waiting for the audience to file in, "…GET READY FOR THE SPICE GIRLS PERSPIRATION..."

"Reunion!" Gaav corrected.

"...TOUR!!!!!" And with that, Gaav began to hum out the opening music for "Wannabe."

Naturally, by the time he actually began to belt out the lyrics in an unnaturally loud and abysmal voice...

"IF YOU WANT MY FUTURE, FORGET MY PAST..." He garbled. Anyone who didn't know any better would assume he was drunk.

…Nobody was listening, because they were all blinded by the spotlight reflecting off of Gaav's abnormally pale skin. Yes, pale. In fact, the only parts of his body that were tan at all were his face and hands—wearing that trench coat all the time gave the Demon-Dragon King some insanely harsh tan lines. In fact, he was paler than Kopii and Rezo combined.

Phil, who didn't know any of the words, just sang the word "JUSTICE" over and over and over, causing Xellos to curl up into the fetal position, shivering and spazzing out every so often.

"Well, now I know what to get Gaav for Christmas next year...tanning lotion." Lina remarked, squinting through the light and covering her ears for dear life.

It was just as Gaav began to sing, "YO, I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT!" that Zelgadis snapped back into reality.

At first he could only see the glaring white spotlight. But as his eyes adjusted, his face fell as he noticed what he was wearing.

"I'm wearing a dress." He said flatly, despite the fact that it was actually a tube top and a miniskirt. "I'm WEARING a DRESS. I'M WEARING A DRESS!?!?!"

It was at that moment, of course, when he realized he had been standing in front of what he thought was every Slayers Character at the party, with the exception of Phibrizzo, Gourry and Sylphiel. His face turned whiter than most of Gaav.

"Okay. Either I'm going to get embarrassed out of my mind over this and die of utter mortification, or I'm going to get revenge on the nearest scantily-clad, crossdressing Slayers character I can find." His eyes drifted immediately towards Kopii, who was mindlessly doing jumping jacks and flexing his biceps.

"I should've guessed Rezo was behind this!" Zelgadis exclaimed. "RA TILT!"

The attack knocked Kopii into Phil, who went barreling across the stage and fell into the audience, squashing Zangulus and Martina.

"I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGAZIG—AHKHKGHH!!!" Gaav suddenly choked. As he had been singing, an abnormally large moth had become attracted to the light reflecting off the Demon-Dragon King's newly-Naired chest, and had somehow become lodged in his throat. He gasped for air mid-song, finally collapsing onto the ground and convulsing like no tomorrow.

Valgaav ran to the stage in a panicked frenzy, screaming "LORD GAAV! SPEAK TO ME!" The audience, meanwhile, just cheered because Gaav had finally stopped singing. Valgaav leaned in really close as Gaav's face turned a wide variety of colors. "It looks like I'm going to have to give him...MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION!" He announced, giddy at the prospect of all his fanboyish fantasies coming to fruition. He opened his mouth, leaned in closer...

...and choked on the moth as he sucked it out of Gaav's mouth. As he gasped and wheezed, the insect now caught in his own throat, Gaav stood up and declared, "LET THE SHOW GO ON!"

However, before he could sing again, Jilas barged in through the wall, making a giant hole where Filia's magazine rack had once stood. He ran to the stage in a panicked frenzy, screaming "LORD VALGAAV! SPEAK TO ME!" The audience, meanwhile, just kept cheering because he had interrupted Gaav once more. Jilas leaned in really close as Valgaav's face turned a wide variety of colors. "It looks like I'm going to have to give him...MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION!" He announced, giddy at the prospect of all his fanboyish fantasies coming to fruition. He opened his mouth, leaned in closer...

...and choked on the moth, just like Valgaav did before him. As he passed out on the stage, Valgaav muttered, "Thank L-Sama HE isn't anyone's item of idolatry."

------

To Be Continued! R&R, and just remember...only several months left until the holiday season, so make sure to get your shopping done sometime within the next five days!


End file.
